Raising Kids - Looking Back

I loved raising my kids.  And I always loved each new stage even more than the last one! 

Certainly there was some misbehavior. But the misbehavior doesn’t come close to defining my parenting experience – it was just a subplot woven through the grand story. 

I think my adherence to traditional parenting methods was the key element that made discipline not a big deal.  Sometimes when I write about Rosemond leadership parenting, people get the impression that traditional parenting is a cruel, heartless dictatorship.  It is not.  It is a clear, calm set of expectations that children learn to accept.  With that acceptance, they develop more responsibility.  With responsibility comes more freedom.  As they grow through the preteen and teenage years, they often have more freedom than their friends.  They also learn to think for themselves, manage their own time and persevere when things are difficult.

Traditional parents solve many problems before they ever get started.  Their leadership guides children’s behavior from the time they leave infancy. They rarely have to implement a complicated or long term solution to misbehavior.  They use consequences thoughtfully and wisely such that their children learn that being a good citizen member of the family is one of their most important responsibilities.  But they certainly do use them and don’t apologize or fret about it.

Because my kids were reasonably well behaved and enjoyable for family and friends to be around, they had a lot of fun experiences.  They really didn’t spend a lot of time in time-out or being grounded or having privileges withheld. 

Within the traditional parenting framework, we had a rich and fun family life.   Family vacations – from cottages to Disney World.  And the birthday parties!  Not the most creative person in the world, I somehow was a wiz at giving parties that kids loved – treasure hunts, face painting, dramatic skits, making masks, painting t-shirts and a wonderful afternoon at the beach for 13 year old boys – I worried they would be bored but all had a ball!  And the daily routine that went with dance lessons, ball practices, scouting and school musicals.  We insisted on a calm balance when the kids were in grade school, but as they got older, more independent and had more individual interests, they did get very busy.  But by then, the planning and logistics were on their shoulders, not mine.

In the meantime I had a busy career and many other adult interests.  That is another key to traditional parenting – you are available to your children when they truly need you, but you are actively involved in your adult interests and not at your child’s side every minute of every day.  I did not have time to micromanage them, so they had to do it themselves if they wanted to pursue their interests.

Many people feel that parenting is the hardest thing they have ever done, but with traditional approaches, I found it generally easy and generally calm.  No wonder I loved my parenting years! 

 

New Workshops Scheduled

Upcoming parenting series will be held at:
Sheridan Hill Elementary School - Oct 17th & 24th
Ledgeview Elementary School - Nov 7th & 14th

Email me for further information!!!

The Prince and Princess

 

Some children believe they are the center of the universe.  They can be demanding or adorable -whatever behavior is needed to get what they want; right now, immediately. 

Their parents allow these behaviors to keep the peace or protect their child’s “fragile” self-esteem.  But one day they wake up with defiant, disobedient children and wonder how they got into this mess.  Parents report children who tell them: “I make the rules, not you”; refuse to do what they are told, defy authority at school and throw tantrums long after “the terrible twos”.

Most parents don’t consciously seek this outcome!  They enjoy treating their children, their friends raise children the same way, they want their children to have things they didn’t have when they were kids.  But all that focus on ME with no regard for others teaches kids that they deserve whatever they want.

The very first thing I teach parents, is to simply become the adults in charge – to use leadership speech, to assume their legitimate authority, and to absolutely mean what they say when giving directions.  Don’t explain yourself, don’t bargain, don’t threaten, don’t give second chances. 

Some very simple things that parents have implemented:

Tantrums – Give your child permission to scream whenever he wants; but only in one location – such as the bathroom!  Tell him tonight about the new rule and start it tomorrow.  Two families I worked with were sure it wouldn’t work – said the child would come out of the room repeatedly, or destroy the room.  But in both of those instances, simply telling the child the rule (very calmly, very clearly) stopped the behavior.  Neither family ever had to use the room!!!

Unbuckling the car seat – What a neat skill when your child first figures this out.  He is proud of himself and utterly delighted with the ruckus he can create! Take your child for a ride when you have spare time.  As soon as he unbuckles, pull over and calmly tell him you can’t continue until he buckles.  Turn on the radio, read a magazine and ignore him.  When he buckles, continue on.  When he unbuckles, pull over…..  You may pull over 5 or 6 times, but if you mean it, he will get the message.

Chores - Set a time for them to be done and then walk away; don’t remind, don’t nag.  Come back at the appointed time to check if it is done.  For several parents, just walking away looked SO different from the usual nagging and micromanagement, that the child accepted the leadership and followed the direction.  Others had to impose a consequence for chores that didn’t get done.  But the point is leadership skills ALONE often do the trick!!!!

Well led children learn they are not the most important people in the world – and that lays the ground work for becoming good citizens, both in their home and the world around them!

Second Chances

An important John Rosemond principle is don’t threaten, bribe or give second chances in response to misbehavior.

A parent recently asked me; isn’t it a second chance when you use a behavior management plan that gives the child 5 “free passes” for misbehavior before being confined to his room?

Excellent question!  I think the difference is that in the principle, we are talking about your child’s direct refusal to do as you ask.  So when you tell him to pick up his toys and he just sits there, many parents start bargaining – “look, Brian if you don’t pick up those toys I am going to send you to your room (threat); if you pick up just a few toys, we can go have a cookie break (bribe); there, good job, now if you keep going I won’t send you to your room (2^nd chance).”  These actions weaken your authority and confuse your child, because he isn’t sure if you mean an instruction or if it is negotiable.

On the other hand, in the behavior management plans, we are addressing major, ongoing patterns of misbehavior such as children who constantly, daily talk back to their parents, jump on the furniture, tease the dog, leave their rooms and toys in a mess, hit other children, etc, etc.  So we create a plan with 5 free passes. When behavior starts improving, we reduce the passes to 4, then 3, then 2.   

The passes are a parental decision that has been thought out ahead of time, rather than a weak response to an instruction that is being ignored.  It is parental wisdom to know that when you have an ongoing pattern of multiple misbehaviors, you are not going to solve it with a single event of sending your child to his room after supper.  Therefore you need a plan that gradually, assuredly retrains your child while at the same time firmly establishes the parent as being in charge.  Behavior management plans that are implemented calmly and with absolute assurance that this is the way it is going to be, do exactly that.

The principle is to lead with authority and make sure your child understands that authority.  Parents who successfully establish their authority with clear, concise communication, generally won’t need behavior management plans. 

But if things have gone amuck, the behavior management plan will get your child’s attention so that he learns you are in charge.  Once this particular era of misbehavior is under control, the parent will be able to correct occasional misbehavior by following the general leadership principles!

Parenting your Preschooler Workshop

There are still a few slots available in this workshop.  This is an interactive, often humorous workshop that will focus on preschooler problems such as bedtime hassles, food fights and tantrums.  Funded by Still in One Peace Crisis Services, there is no cost to participants.  We will meet on Wed May 9th and 16th at the Clarence Youth Bureau, 10510 Main Street from 6:30-8:30PM.  Call the Youth Bureau at 716-407-2162 for registration

Do What You Can Do, When You Can Do It!

People often question me when I suggest that they delay consequences.  For example:

·       Didn’t wash the car when asked on Saturday?  Parent says no to the movies on Friday (because you didn’t wash the car when I asked you to)

·       Didn’t stay with you in the store?  Parent sends the child to bed immediately after supper (because you didn’t stay with me in the store).

·       Didn’t get ready for school on time? Parent tells the child on Saturday morning that he can’t play outside for the whole day (because you weren’t ready for school on Wednesday by 8AM)

Parents’ major concerns seem to be:

1.     The child will forget what the event was all about.

2.     The child will think he got away with the misbehavior if punishment isn’t immediate.

To the first, let me illustrate how long children can remember.  Last week, our 3 year old grandson discovered the ice machine on our freezer.  He busily went about getting water and ice for everyone – needed to “help all the very thirsty people”.  He was so cute!  But then his Dad said “enough”!  And 2 minutes later he asked me for the “purple sippy cup” – which he has used maybe 3 times in his life and not since Christmas.  Of course, when he got it, he could put water and ice in one more time!  The point is, he easily remembered something that happened 3 months earlier.

To the second point; the purpose of consequences is not so much to punish past behavior as it is to deter future misbehavior.  Most parents are in the mode of punishing behavior as soon as it happens.  You feel like you “did something”, but while you may win the encounter, you hardly win the war!  If you wait for the right moment and make the consequence relatively agonizing to your child, he will start choosing better behavior in the future.

Finally, if you begin disciplining this way, your child will soon understand your approach.  The first few times he may feel he got away with something, but he should get the picture once he understands that great big consequences are going to fall sooner or later.

As a rule of thumb, children can remember their misbehavior events for 1 day at age three, for 2 days at ages four and five and for seven or more days after age 6. 

Summary: to convince your child that you are in charge, don’t make a big deal out of misbehavior when it occurs, don’t yell, stay calm and wait for the moment when you can calmly, but authoritatively levy a great, big consequence that really matters to your child.  Do what you can do, WHEN you can do it.

The Homework Beast

Last fall a friend received a “Homework Tip” sheet from their 7^th grade daughter’s new school.  Parents were directed to check the homework memo book nightly, supervise the homework and provide all needed help.  If books were forgotten, the parent should come to school – access to lockers was available 24/7! 

 

Makes you wonder whose responsibility the homework is, doesn’t it?!  Many parents take school expectations on homework way too seriously.  They sit with their children, coaching, nagging and hand holding night after night.  And the more they do, the less their children do.  Families are held hostage by the nightly homework battle – nerves get frayed, bedtimes get later and later, and homework takes center stage for the whole family.  Parents feel that it is a “good parent” requirement to make sure the homework is done and done correctly.  But all this help only builds dependency and actually, lowers self-esteem as the child feels increasingly incapable.

Under these conditions, the child is learning absolutely nothing about becoming a responsible, resourceful human being – and isn’t that a MAJOR component of the homework experience?

I would suggest that the proper parent role is to MINIMIZE their involvement.  Inquire and be aware of homework assignments, show interest and an expectation that it will get done.  Provide a quiet place AWAY from family activity to do homework and basic supplies such as pens, paper, crayons, and pencils.  If the child needs assistance, tell him to pick up his work from his quiet homework place and bring it to a parent with his question.  After a couple minutes discussion, send the child back to his homework haven to continue on his own.  If the child truly doesn’t understand the work, it is a good sign that he needs more help from his teacher and should ask for it the next day in class.  But very often, once sent back to continue his work alone, the child gathers his wits about him and figures it out.  And perhaps most importantly, there should be a rule about when homework must be done. 

In our home it was 8PM at which time the pre-bedtime routine began.  When this rule went into effect, my 8 year old daughter did indeed cry hysterically when homework wasn’t done.  I stood absolutely, calmly firm; the kids faced the consequences in school the next day of not having finished their homework; and suddenly homework started getting done by the deadline.  I am sure my children said fun things like “my mom wouldn’t let me finish my homework” and I am sure teachers had a few raised eyebrows.  But once we got past these couple of incidents, homework forever and always became my children’s’ responsibility and was nearly always done and done well. 

They learned their school lessons, but they also learned responsibility, resourcefulness, time management and perseverance – traits that will follow them throughout their lives!