Parenting Takes Energy!

A friend described nightly battles getting their 4 year old to stay in bed.  They put him down at 8PM and then the fun begins.  He gets up to ask for all the usual things –  water, one more hug, a bathroom trip, something he forgot to tell them, more water, more hugs and on it goes.

I suggested a simple strategy – tie a ribbon on his bedroom door.  If after he goes to bed, he wants something, tell him he may bring you the ribbon and you will cheerfully fulfill his request. However, if he gets up again, his bedtime will be an hour earlier the next night.  Each night starts fresh with 1 ribbon on his door (even if he has the earlier bedtime).

The parents correctly pointed out that he will still likely get up over and over again.  I responded yes, he probably will, but just calmly lead him back to bed each time – without fulfilling any of the additional requests.  It is the early bedtime over a series of days or weeks that is going to help him choose to stay in bed in the future.

In the meantime, the parents are going to be spending some energy in repeatedly taking him back to bed.  And they need to do this calmly and without yelling – which takes additional energy when you are tired after a long day.  And this strategy may not get immediate results – he may improve for a bit and then try testing to see if his parents really mean it.  So more getting up and leading him back to bed……  But in 2 or 3 weeks of parental consistency, bedtime problems should be a thing of the past.

The parents looked at me in exasperation and said “But I want him to mind me right now!"  Realistically if what they have been doing so far isn’t working, isn’t it time to try something new?  Currently they are using just as much energy meeting his requests as they will when leading him back to bed.  The big difference is the first approach is likely to continue – for years!  And the second can solve the problem in a few weeks.

It is important to understand that a child has free will.  Parents are not going to tie him in bed, so the only way he is going to stay there is IF HE CHOOSES TO.   Parents need to make the consequence big enough to help him choose the behavior they want.  

Certainly when a problem behavior is long standing, it takes some time to correct it and it does take energy.  So, up off the couch, to attend to your child’s misdeeds – but comfort yourself that this new leadership strategy is going to get your child’s attention – not just over bedtime issues, but all the issues that come up as a child learns to take his proper place in his family – as a disciple of parents he chooses to follow!

Parenting Overview

I can sum up Rosemond parenting principles is just a couple of sentences!

Under this parenting style, a child chooses to follow the legitimate authority and leadership of his parents.  His parents convey their loving leadership with clear, authoritative direction that does not give explanations and pays only a little attention to the child’s feelings, wishes, and wants. The parent conveys his expectation with a few clear, concise words and does not enter into arguments or discussions about his directions.

There you have it!  It sounds terribly simple and at its heart, it is.  What complicates the matter is typical parental unwillingness to make children the least bit unhappy.  So parents argue, and explain and negotiate and change the directions to try and make the child happy with whatever is going on.  But so often, your child does not really know what is best for him or what he really wants and the more this drama continues, the more he misbehaves.  When a parent insists on proper behavior, the child will become more secure and thereby happier and more obedient.

Most parents are perfectly comfortable with leadership, authoritative speech for a visit to the doctor.  They say things like, “You need to come home right after school today because you have a doctor’s appointment at 4:00.”

Only a very few parents would say: “Hey it is time for your physical. Would you like to go see Dr. Smith?  He is such a nice man.  Won’t that be fun?  Is it ok with you if we go?  Is today a good day or would you like me to change it for you?”

And even if the child grumbles and whines that he doesn’t want to go, most parents will not enter into much discussion about it.  They know health care is in the child’s best interests and that is just the way it is going to be.

When parents want their child’s attention, they need to claim it simply, clearly and concisely.  A direction to: pick up toys, come to the dinner table, turn off the tv, start getting ready for bed, stay by my side at the store, stop hitting your brother - should be given just as simply as the doctor announcement.

That is Rosemond parenting in a nutshell.  Now if your children aren’t used to such direction, it is going to take awhile and a few interventions to convince them that you have chosen to claim your legitimate authority.  But indeed it can be done when a parent  commits himself to leading his children.  More on how in future postings!

Time Out

No, I don’t mean for the kids!  This one is for you.  Take a deep breath and let it out slowly……….REALLY slowly………  Go ahead, I’ll wait for you.

There, didn’t that feel good?  Don’t you feel more relaxed?

One of the biggest mistakes parents make is reacting to misbehavior before they think.  If everyone took a long, slow, deep breath and backed 2 steps away from the issue at hand, they would allow themselves to think through their options.  Managing misbehavior is largely a matter of strategy.  When you shoot from the hip with an immediate response, you often act out of anger and you often yell.  And frequently, you just impose the first consequence you think of - without considering if it will really change the way your child is acting.  Oh, it might stop whatever is going on right now, but will it stop it for the long haul?

Consequences that really stop misbehavior are large enough to get your child’s attention and often “larger” than the misbehavior.  But when you get your child’s attention, he will more likely choose better behavior in the future; you won’t need to constantly impose large consequences.

Didn’t pick up his toys?  Parents, take a deep breath and don’t react at all.  But tonight after dinner, announce he is going to bed right now because he didn’t pick up his toys.

Didn’t wash the car when you asked?  Parents, take a deep breath and do it yourself.  But Friday night when he wants to go to the movies, tell him no because he didn’t wash the car.

Now if there is a perfect consequence when the incident occurs, there is nothing wrong with imposing it - if you can do so calmly and without yelling.  But many times there isn’t one at hand.  So take a deep, long slow breath and wait for the right moment.  It will come.  And I promise, your child (older than 3) is going to remember the misbehavior and learn a lesson about how he wants to behave in the future!

One word of caution – it is part of the strategy to REMEMBER to impose a consequence – too often if we get past the moment, we tell ourselves, “oh that behavior wasn’t so bad” or we forget about it until the next time.  Don’t do that – misbehavior needs your attention; it just needs to be your calm, well planned attention! 

The Big "T" Word

I was talking to the mother of a 4 year old a few months ago about her daughter’s absolute refusal to use the toilet.  Mom was really looking for a solution as a new baby was due in a couple months.  The thought of 2 children in diapers was depressing enough, but she also worried that if they didn’t clear this hurdle before the birth, it would be months before they would be up to the task.

Mom had talked to a lot of people about how to motivate and teach her daughter to use the bathroom.  From “fill her up with liquids” to “she’ll train when she is ready” to “tell her she can’t go to school until she is trained”, good meaning people had good meaning ideas.  But they all missed one key fact – the child was completely aware of the bathroom, what it was for and how to go about it.  She simply CHOSE to not be bothered with all that – for whatever reason, of which I have no clue.

Now I am certainly not discussing a younger child of a more traditional toilet training age.  I am talking about a healthy, lively, intelligent 4 year old who has been staying dry for long stretches and during naps for a year and a half, who has successfully used the toilet on a couple occasions and who can dress and undress herself.  When such a child is not toilet trained, she is choosing not to be.

We often don’t know why children make the choices they do.  But in today’s society, we often believe we need to know.  If we don’t know, we make up reasons that usually have to do with the child’s hurt feelings or poor psychological health or low self-esteem.  Then we go about trying to solve the made up reason.  And generally we get little or no change to the choice the child is making.  But we get ourselves really worried!

A far better approach is to simply become the parental leader who clearly states the expected behavior and clearly follows up with consequences when the expected behavior does not occur.  CALM, matter of fact consequences.

So what did I advise this mom?  Starting on a morning when you can be mostly home for several days, tell your daughter that she is to use the toilet from now on.  Spend some time (about 10 minutes) with her to rehearse the skills needed – going into the bathroom, removing her clothes, sitting on the toilet, wiping herself, adjusting her clothes, washing her hands, etc.  Be calm, gentle and matter of fact – absolutely no threats, no bribes, no promises.  Then tell her that if she has an accident, she will be responsible for going into the bathroom to change her clothes, clean herself up and rinse out her soiled clothes. (Make sure that all the necessary supplies are in place for her).  Tell her this calmly and matter of factly – no yelling, no screaming, no threats.  Then take off her diaper, put her in big girl underwear and a loose shirt.  You also might consider confining her to some limited portion of the house that might include the bathroom and kitchen.  From here on, she is on her own.  Mom and Dad do not remind her or ask her if she needs to use the potty.  When she is successful, a calm word of encouragement is all that is needed – no great big treats or excited, over the top praise – those can be self defeating.  When she has an accident (and she will), no great big negative reactions – just point her in the direction of the bathroom to clean up.   The most important thing is to not over react and to not back down.  If Mom and Dad are calm and consistent, she should choose to take over this new responsibility within a couple weeks.

Mom did indeed look at me like I was nuts.  But she pondered the ideas for a few weeks and then realized how completely inconsistent they had been in communicating to their daughter that she was to use the toilet from now on.  So although she tweaked some of my suggestions, she did announce that a new day had dawned and diapers would be no more.  And indeed this beautiful little girl is now completely toilet trained and getting ready to welcome the new baby as the big sister she is really becoming!

When Morning Brings Chaos!

I was talking to a family about their wild, crazy mornings – they have 4 children and getting 6 people out the door is no easy task.   Amid all the chaos, it would be easy to conclude that the children are willfully misbehaving.  However, as is often the case with young children, the only family members who actually care about being on time are Mom and Dad. 

Let’s join this family for a minute.  There is Mom and Dad, their 9 year old daughter, their 7 year old daughter, their 3 year old daughter and their 1 year old son.  It is 7AM on Monday morning and the 9 year old keeps changing her mind about what to wear so she is late.  Mom just asked the 7 year old to help the 1 year old find his coat; she ignored Mom which she often does, so Dad got angry and started yelling.  The 3 year old is going to preschool which she likes, but right this very second, she is intent on playing with her cereal and making a great big, gooey mess in the bottom of the bowl.  The 1 year old is running back and forth to his room to bring his stuffed animals to the breakfast table so they can eat too!  Mom and Dad are rushing from one child to the next; goading, reminding, directing, pleading, ordering and yelling.  By 7:30, they are exhausted and grumpy.

The problem here is that the parents care very much about getting out the door and the kids are perfectly content to let them.  The kids are focused on their own agenda and as long as their parents own the “time clock”, they don’t have to.  Notice their behavior isn’t necessarily bad; they are just caught up in their own thoughts and haven’t been given any responsibility to do anything differently.  So what is it that influences children to choose to follow their parent’s directions rather than their own preferences?

It begins with calm, clear, authoritative, loving leadership.  If I were the parents in our example, I would no longer chase, remind, plead, yell or any other non-productive behavior.  I would act like I expect to be obeyed.  And in time, the kids will get the message that these leaders need to be followed.

And what happens in the time between today’s chaos and whenever the kids magically choose to follow the message? 

Quite simply, in one word - consequences.

For example, when the family arrives home tonight, the parents might calmly announce that everyone’s bed time is an hour early because of the chaotic morning.  They then, just as calmly, could announce that they are no longer going to chase, remind, plead and yell in the morning.  However, they might add, any time the family is late because of the 3 girls not getting ready, there will be “consequences”.  Note that the 1 year old is not old enough to understand morning responsibilities or consequences so he is not included in the parental expectations.  They will be helping him, but how much easier it will be with only 1 child to assist!  Also note that the 3 year old IS old enough to understand both ideas.

In a fairly short time, if the consequences are significant enough so that the children really dislike them and if the parents consistently and calmly impose them, I predict the children will choose to get ready each morning with a minimal amount of disruption.  In short they will accept responsibility for themselves because they learn that life is better for them when they do.  How about that – children who CHOOSE to follow the leader – mornings may never be the same!

Easy Does It

On Halloween, I had the fun of going Tricks or Treating with our granddaughter down south.  It was quite a different experience – no worries about getting costumes that were big enough to fit over winter coats and mittens!  Two families planned to go out together and the 3 kids were dressing up around a theme.  The 4 year old was Little Red Riding Hood, the 9 year old was the Grannie and the 11 year old was the Woodcutter – his plastic axe made the costume.

As we were getting ready to leave the house, the plastic axe broke and was irreparable.  The creative 11 year old was undaunted and headed towards the garage.  When Mom asked him what he had in mind, he happily replied that he was getting the real axe!  Mom immediately and calmly said “no”.  He argued that no one would even know what his costume was supposed to be without an axe (and in truth, many people did not).  But Mom didn’t even give one reason, she just calmly repeated “no” and said let’s get going.  Well he continued to give reasons and arguments and make a general fuss.  She just calmly said “no” again and invited everyone who was going, to head out.  She didn’t actually tell him he could stay home but it was obvious that she would have allowed him to make that choice.

Well we all trouped out and he was quite grumpy and muttering under his breath – for about 3 houses.  Then the freedom of being out after dark, the company of all the other kids on the street and the fun of spooky tricks and endless candy took over.  He was a delight the rest of the evening and took every opportunity to tell people he was “the woodcutter without the axe”.  So indeed he solved his own problem.

Mom impressed me because it was clear this is how she parents.  While I am pretty sure she gives reasons on occasion and has lots of in depth conversations with her kids on important issues, she also does not waste time or energy on issues when she is the leader.  Those times she just leads; with love, authority and an absolute expectation that she expects to get what she wants.  And her children follow her lead – pretty simple, pretty powerful, yes?

Misbehavior - Explain it or Stop it

Recently I was talking to a grandmother who related the story of her 7 year old granddaughter and her increasingly outrageous behavior.  She is kicking her mom and grandma, screaming and screeching throughout the house and defying her mom in every possible way.

Grandma asked her if she behaved this way at school; to which she replied, wide-eyed: “NO, Grandma, that would be naughty”….  So she knows the difference between acceptable and unacceptable.  And she has the self control to handle herself responsibly from the time she gets on the bus in the morning until she gets home in late afternoon. 

What is going on here? The underlying tragedy in this home is that her father died of brain cancer a year ago.  It was a sudden onset illness from which he died in only 3 months.  The disruption in this little girl’s home turned her and her little brother’s life upside down.

The family has handled this horrible situation as well as they possibly can.  Grandparents and family friends have surrounded them with assistance and love; Mom’s employer gave her the time she needed to begin picking up the pieces again; there are good, safe plans in place for school communication, after school care and a few community activities.

At this point, it is time for this little girl to be required to follow her Mom’s leadership at home.  It is time for Mom to put in place basic rules and basic consequences. In short, it is time to stop “letting her off the hook” for her misbehavior in the mistaken belief that because of her father’s death, she is forever damaged and can’t be expected to become responsible for herself.  Does this sound harsh?  Look at Mom.  She is grieving and devastated, yet she now has resumed working, raising her children and being a civil, warm human being.  She is even allowing herself to begin having some fun.  She is in a word, healing, and therefore able to accept her life as it is.  Should it be any different for her young daughter?

In helping this child to regain her responsibilities and success in the family, she will become more secure and feel far safer than she does now.  The longer she is allowed to misbehave, the more worried and anxious she is going to become, digging the hole of misbehavior deeper and deeper; it is time to nip this in the bud.

Providing children with basic, secure guidelines for their behavior is a loving gift.  In today’s society, we are far too likely to explain children’s bad behavior away with a label – she is a victim, she is ADHD, she is a stepchild, she is gifted, she is an adopted child. All are examples of our sympathy and understanding crossing over into enabling, if not promoting, irresponsible or even, anti-social behavior.

Children are children first, and labels cover only a small fraction of who they are.  Parent the whole child with basic, clear guidelines in the home and they will respond positively – after all, “it would be naughty” not to.