Parents ask me for solutions to various behavior problems
all the time. They generally want a
quick tool that they can use to immediately, automatically get their child to
behave - right now.
I can’t give them that.
Getting your children to choose to behave takes parental
leadership. It is more a state of being
than a single action. Once parents have
mastered the state of being, THEN they can implement various tools. And when parents are practicing leadership
parenting effectively, they only need the tools ocassionally!
The quick fixes only work for well-established leadership
parents. Sometimes all you need is a
caustic “really?” or “the look” or “you already know the answer to that” or
“you are going to your room for the rest of the day”. But don’t expect any of those to solve major,
ongoing misbehavior.
Leadership parents know that they have to be strategic in
their parenting. They know that they are
not going to get car misbehavior under control by saying “stop that”. Nor is their suddenly obnoxious 6 year old
going to turn delightful because you take his Kindle away for a night. Nor is their wildly disobedient child going
to turn around because you send him to his room after supper tonight.
The very first thing leadership parents do is ACT LIKE
LEADERS. They talk quietly, assuredly,
calmly. They give directions clearly and
concisely. They don’t give too many
directions. They don’t threaten, bargain
or give second chances.
Above all, they don’t talk too much.
One of the most useless actions I see is trying to talk your
child into good behavior. Things like:
“oh sweetie, it isn’t nice to hurt your brother, I just know you didn’t mean to
hurt him, don’t you want your brother to like you, how would you feel if someone
hit you, oh I am so disappointed in you, don’t you want Mommy to be proud of
her little man”. Trust me, your child is
not listening to all that AND he is a child so what he does hear will not mean
any of the things YOU think it means.
Please, please save your breath!!!!
When you want obedience, give your directions in clear
terms. Whenever possible, predict
misbehavior and give your directions BEFORE it happens. “While we are in the car, you are not to hit
or tease your brother.” If the
misbehavior happens, then have a plan on what you will do about it. (You could stop the car and wait until all
misbehavior stops, you could turn around and go home immediately, you could
send him to bed immediately after supper).
But above all, don’t explain yourself and don’t talk, talk, talk about
the incident. Call the foul, assess the
penalty and move on with life!
Misbehavior handled this way very often begins to decline
quickly. Calm, consistent leadership
will tell your child that one way or the other, his parents will respond to
misbehavior in ways he doesn’t like.
It is true that for serious, imbedded and constant
misbehavior, leadership parenting alone may not work. Those are the times we need to develop tools
and behavior management plans. And they
will work, but ONLY when put in place by Leadership Parents!
Basic Principles of Leadership Parenting:Wednesday October 9th; 6:30-8:30 PM; Be Healthy Institute, Hamburg, NY; $20 per person. Contact them at www.behealthyinstitute.com for more information/registration
