The Prince and Princess

 

Some children believe they are the center of the universe.  They can be demanding or adorable -whatever behavior is needed to get what they want; right now, immediately. 

Their parents allow these behaviors to keep the peace or protect their child’s “fragile” self-esteem.  But one day they wake up with defiant, disobedient children and wonder how they got into this mess.  Parents report children who tell them: “I make the rules, not you”; refuse to do what they are told, defy authority at school and throw tantrums long after “the terrible twos”.

Most parents don’t consciously seek this outcome!  They enjoy treating their children, their friends raise children the same way, they want their children to have things they didn’t have when they were kids.  But all that focus on ME with no regard for others teaches kids that they deserve whatever they want.

The very first thing I teach parents, is to simply become the adults in charge – to use leadership speech, to assume their legitimate authority, and to absolutely mean what they say when giving directions.  Don’t explain yourself, don’t bargain, don’t threaten, don’t give second chances. 

Some very simple things that parents have implemented:

Tantrums – Give your child permission to scream whenever he wants; but only in one location – such as the bathroom!  Tell him tonight about the new rule and start it tomorrow.  Two families I worked with were sure it wouldn’t work – said the child would come out of the room repeatedly, or destroy the room.  But in both of those instances, simply telling the child the rule (very calmly, very clearly) stopped the behavior.  Neither family ever had to use the room!!!

Unbuckling the car seat – What a neat skill when your child first figures this out.  He is proud of himself and utterly delighted with the ruckus he can create! Take your child for a ride when you have spare time.  As soon as he unbuckles, pull over and calmly tell him you can’t continue until he buckles.  Turn on the radio, read a magazine and ignore him.  When he buckles, continue on.  When he unbuckles, pull over…..  You may pull over 5 or 6 times, but if you mean it, he will get the message.

Chores - Set a time for them to be done and then walk away; don’t remind, don’t nag.  Come back at the appointed time to check if it is done.  For several parents, just walking away looked SO different from the usual nagging and micromanagement, that the child accepted the leadership and followed the direction.  Others had to impose a consequence for chores that didn’t get done.  But the point is leadership skills ALONE often do the trick!!!!

Well led children learn they are not the most important people in the world – and that lays the ground work for becoming good citizens, both in their home and the world around them!

Second Chances

An important John Rosemond principle is don’t threaten, bribe or give second chances in response to misbehavior.

A parent recently asked me; isn’t it a second chance when you use a behavior management plan that gives the child 5 “free passes” for misbehavior before being confined to his room?

Excellent question!  I think the difference is that in the principle, we are talking about your child’s direct refusal to do as you ask.  So when you tell him to pick up his toys and he just sits there, many parents start bargaining – “look, Brian if you don’t pick up those toys I am going to send you to your room (threat); if you pick up just a few toys, we can go have a cookie break (bribe); there, good job, now if you keep going I won’t send you to your room (2^nd chance).”  These actions weaken your authority and confuse your child, because he isn’t sure if you mean an instruction or if it is negotiable.

On the other hand, in the behavior management plans, we are addressing major, ongoing patterns of misbehavior such as children who constantly, daily talk back to their parents, jump on the furniture, tease the dog, leave their rooms and toys in a mess, hit other children, etc, etc.  So we create a plan with 5 free passes. When behavior starts improving, we reduce the passes to 4, then 3, then 2.   

The passes are a parental decision that has been thought out ahead of time, rather than a weak response to an instruction that is being ignored.  It is parental wisdom to know that when you have an ongoing pattern of multiple misbehaviors, you are not going to solve it with a single event of sending your child to his room after supper.  Therefore you need a plan that gradually, assuredly retrains your child while at the same time firmly establishes the parent as being in charge.  Behavior management plans that are implemented calmly and with absolute assurance that this is the way it is going to be, do exactly that.

The principle is to lead with authority and make sure your child understands that authority.  Parents who successfully establish their authority with clear, concise communication, generally won’t need behavior management plans. 

But if things have gone amuck, the behavior management plan will get your child’s attention so that he learns you are in charge.  Once this particular era of misbehavior is under control, the parent will be able to correct occasional misbehavior by following the general leadership principles!

Parenting your Preschooler Workshop

There are still a few slots available in this workshop.  This is an interactive, often humorous workshop that will focus on preschooler problems such as bedtime hassles, food fights and tantrums.  Funded by Still in One Peace Crisis Services, there is no cost to participants.  We will meet on Wed May 9th and 16th at the Clarence Youth Bureau, 10510 Main Street from 6:30-8:30PM.  Call the Youth Bureau at 716-407-2162 for registration

Do What You Can Do, When You Can Do It!

People often question me when I suggest that they delay consequences.  For example:

·       Didn’t wash the car when asked on Saturday?  Parent says no to the movies on Friday (because you didn’t wash the car when I asked you to)

·       Didn’t stay with you in the store?  Parent sends the child to bed immediately after supper (because you didn’t stay with me in the store).

·       Didn’t get ready for school on time? Parent tells the child on Saturday morning that he can’t play outside for the whole day (because you weren’t ready for school on Wednesday by 8AM)

Parents’ major concerns seem to be:

1.     The child will forget what the event was all about.

2.     The child will think he got away with the misbehavior if punishment isn’t immediate.

To the first, let me illustrate how long children can remember.  Last week, our 3 year old grandson discovered the ice machine on our freezer.  He busily went about getting water and ice for everyone – needed to “help all the very thirsty people”.  He was so cute!  But then his Dad said “enough”!  And 2 minutes later he asked me for the “purple sippy cup” – which he has used maybe 3 times in his life and not since Christmas.  Of course, when he got it, he could put water and ice in one more time!  The point is, he easily remembered something that happened 3 months earlier.

To the second point; the purpose of consequences is not so much to punish past behavior as it is to deter future misbehavior.  Most parents are in the mode of punishing behavior as soon as it happens.  You feel like you “did something”, but while you may win the encounter, you hardly win the war!  If you wait for the right moment and make the consequence relatively agonizing to your child, he will start choosing better behavior in the future.

Finally, if you begin disciplining this way, your child will soon understand your approach.  The first few times he may feel he got away with something, but he should get the picture once he understands that great big consequences are going to fall sooner or later.

As a rule of thumb, children can remember their misbehavior events for 1 day at age three, for 2 days at ages four and five and for seven or more days after age 6. 

Summary: to convince your child that you are in charge, don’t make a big deal out of misbehavior when it occurs, don’t yell, stay calm and wait for the moment when you can calmly, but authoritatively levy a great, big consequence that really matters to your child.  Do what you can do, WHEN you can do it.

The Homework Beast

Last fall a friend received a “Homework Tip” sheet from their 7^th grade daughter’s new school.  Parents were directed to check the homework memo book nightly, supervise the homework and provide all needed help.  If books were forgotten, the parent should come to school – access to lockers was available 24/7! 

 

Makes you wonder whose responsibility the homework is, doesn’t it?!  Many parents take school expectations on homework way too seriously.  They sit with their children, coaching, nagging and hand holding night after night.  And the more they do, the less their children do.  Families are held hostage by the nightly homework battle – nerves get frayed, bedtimes get later and later, and homework takes center stage for the whole family.  Parents feel that it is a “good parent” requirement to make sure the homework is done and done correctly.  But all this help only builds dependency and actually, lowers self-esteem as the child feels increasingly incapable.

Under these conditions, the child is learning absolutely nothing about becoming a responsible, resourceful human being – and isn’t that a MAJOR component of the homework experience?

I would suggest that the proper parent role is to MINIMIZE their involvement.  Inquire and be aware of homework assignments, show interest and an expectation that it will get done.  Provide a quiet place AWAY from family activity to do homework and basic supplies such as pens, paper, crayons, and pencils.  If the child needs assistance, tell him to pick up his work from his quiet homework place and bring it to a parent with his question.  After a couple minutes discussion, send the child back to his homework haven to continue on his own.  If the child truly doesn’t understand the work, it is a good sign that he needs more help from his teacher and should ask for it the next day in class.  But very often, once sent back to continue his work alone, the child gathers his wits about him and figures it out.  And perhaps most importantly, there should be a rule about when homework must be done. 

In our home it was 8PM at which time the pre-bedtime routine began.  When this rule went into effect, my 8 year old daughter did indeed cry hysterically when homework wasn’t done.  I stood absolutely, calmly firm; the kids faced the consequences in school the next day of not having finished their homework; and suddenly homework started getting done by the deadline.  I am sure my children said fun things like “my mom wouldn’t let me finish my homework” and I am sure teachers had a few raised eyebrows.  But once we got past these couple of incidents, homework forever and always became my children’s’ responsibility and was nearly always done and done well. 

They learned their school lessons, but they also learned responsibility, resourcefulness, time management and perseverance – traits that will follow them throughout their lives!

School Volunteer

I am volunteering in a local elementary school this year.  Each week I work with several kids who need extra help in math.  I usually do one on one sessions with first, second and third graders.

All works really well, except…..my 2nd grade group of 3 or 4 kids.  The group changes week to week depending on who most needs help.  And frankly, after the first couple weeks of being polite, they pretty much stopped listening to me.  The kids liked this half hour of special time out of the classroom and took it as an opportunity to squirm, wiggle and giggle.  I could not control them for the short 30 minutes I had with them!

I normally get to their classroom about 5 minutes early and could easily see how well behaved the entire classroom was.  The teacher is pleasant but firm and a lot of work is getting done.  My dilemma was that I had absolutely no authority or consequence over these little people that could inspire them to follow my directions.  Hmmm….what to do???

A few weeks ago at the end of our session, I asked the kids what happens in their class if they talk and giggle and wiggle when they should be working.  With big eyes and complete seriousness, they told me the teacher takes one of their 3 sticks.  They carefully explained that losing 1 stick is a warning, losing 2 sticks loses 5 minutes of recess and losing 3 sticks means losing all of recess.  BINGO!  With a serious look on my face, I calmly announced that from now on, when they misbehaved with me, I would ask their teacher to remove a stick.  Problem absolutely, completely solved.  They do not want to lose a stick!!!

Now each week I remind them of the rule at the beginning of the session (because the kids in the group often changes, I need to make sure they all know it).  But then I do not remind, threaten or give second chances.  So far, I haven’t needed to take a stick. They are really delightful and we get our work done!  I may need to take a stick in the next couple weeks but I am betting it will only be once.  So, kudos to a great teacher who knows how to be a leader in her classroom and make it easy for volunteers like me to actually accomplish something!

That’s it parents – figure out the consequence that matters to your kids and let them know that misbehavior will “earn” them that consequence.  While you will have to levy the penalty a few times, they will likely soon be following your directions!

Parenting Takes Energy!

A friend described nightly battles getting their 4 year old to stay in bed.  They put him down at 8PM and then the fun begins.  He gets up to ask for all the usual things –  water, one more hug, a bathroom trip, something he forgot to tell them, more water, more hugs and on it goes.

I suggested a simple strategy – tie a ribbon on his bedroom door.  If after he goes to bed, he wants something, tell him he may bring you the ribbon and you will cheerfully fulfill his request. However, if he gets up again, his bedtime will be an hour earlier the next night.  Each night starts fresh with 1 ribbon on his door (even if he has the earlier bedtime).

The parents correctly pointed out that he will still likely get up over and over again.  I responded yes, he probably will, but just calmly lead him back to bed each time – without fulfilling any of the additional requests.  It is the early bedtime over a series of days or weeks that is going to help him choose to stay in bed in the future.

In the meantime, the parents are going to be spending some energy in repeatedly taking him back to bed.  And they need to do this calmly and without yelling – which takes additional energy when you are tired after a long day.  And this strategy may not get immediate results – he may improve for a bit and then try testing to see if his parents really mean it.  So more getting up and leading him back to bed……  But in 2 or 3 weeks of parental consistency, bedtime problems should be a thing of the past.

The parents looked at me in exasperation and said “But I want him to mind me right now!"  Realistically if what they have been doing so far isn’t working, isn’t it time to try something new?  Currently they are using just as much energy meeting his requests as they will when leading him back to bed.  The big difference is the first approach is likely to continue – for years!  And the second can solve the problem in a few weeks.

It is important to understand that a child has free will.  Parents are not going to tie him in bed, so the only way he is going to stay there is IF HE CHOOSES TO.   Parents need to make the consequence big enough to help him choose the behavior they want.  

Certainly when a problem behavior is long standing, it takes some time to correct it and it does take energy.  So, up off the couch, to attend to your child’s misdeeds – but comfort yourself that this new leadership strategy is going to get your child’s attention – not just over bedtime issues, but all the issues that come up as a child learns to take his proper place in his family – as a disciple of parents he chooses to follow!