Frustration in 3 Year Olds!

As in every second of every day, right?  It is simply the nature of a 3 year old. Until now he has been at the absolute center of everyone’s attention – a place he LIKES and believes he is entitled to.  Suddenly he is being gently moved out of that super special circle.  Whether he is off to preschool or day care or there is a new baby in the house or his family is beginning to teach him some rules, life has become confusing. He also knows more about what he wants.  When he wants something, he wants it RIGHT NOW. 

There are plenty of reasons for a 3 year old to be frustrated.  And furthermore, he was not born with any tools for dealing with frustration so his response is often to hit or scream or bite or throw a tantrum.

What is a parent to do???  Well the first thing he should NOT do is try to talk and reason.  A 3 year old is not a little adult, he is a child.  He does not have the understanding or experience or patience to listen to mom and dad’s lessons about being kind, treating others fairly, taking his turn or waiting patiently.  So please, please save your breath.

When your little one acts out; he hits his little brother, he screams at the grocery store, or he fights you about putting his shoes on, understand that his frustration is natural and it is necessary that he experience it.  You cannot always make things better for him and he NEEDS to learn to handle frustration – from this point on there is going to be some frustration in his life, just like for the rest of us!

So frustration is a good and natural thing.

Yup, it is good and natural.

So back to what to do?

 1 – stop talking!!!!!  It is not going to do any good so STOP!

 2 – When he does something like hit, bite, push, grab other’s toys, pick him up immediately, say “NO – we don’t’ hit” and put him in time out.  Time out doesn’t always work but if it does, it is a good first step.

 3 – if time out doesn’t work for your little one you will still need to stop the behavior by removing him.  Later, when he is calm and the incident is over you should levy a big consequence.  Perhaps he won’t get dessert tonight, or a bedtime story or a favorite tv show.  You will calmly say “because you hit your brother this morning, you are not having dessert tonight”.  “Because you refused to put your coat and shoes on this morning, you are going to bed early tonight”.

 4 – be consistent, stay calm and don’t try to solve whatever the problem seems to be.  Mainly because hitting, biting, screaming is wrong – no matter what the reason was.   Accept that these lessons are going to take some time so just keep on doing what you are supposed to do!

When you consistently deal with his acts of frustration, he will begin to learn 2 essential things. First,  better behavior!  But most importantly the more he learns to solve his problems and deal with his frustration  – the happier he will be!

John Rosemond Coming to Elma Primary School

John Rosemond is speaking at the Elma Primary School on Tues Oct 8th at 7PM. Cost is $10 per person. I plan to be there!  John is a very entertaining speaker and makes it easy to hear his parenting message.

For more info contact:ElmaCoPres@gmail.com

Fall Workshops

New fall workshops are scheduled as follows:

Basic Principles of Leadership Parenting:Wednesday October 9th; 6:30-8:30 PM; Be Healthy Institute, Hamburg, NY; $20 per person. Contact them at www.behealthyinstitute.com for more information/registration

Parenting Your "Tween": a 2 part series on Thursdays October 17 and 24; 6:30-8:30 PM; Clarence Youth Bureau, 10510 Main St, Clarence, NY; $30 per family (couple or single); I will discuss these important transition years as parents navigate their 11-14 year old's current issues while laying the foundation for the coming teen years based on the Rosemond principles of leadership parenting.  Register at www.ludwigparentcoach.blogspot.com/p/workshop-registration.html

Parenting Your Teenager: a 2 part series on Thursdays November 7 and 14; 6:30-8:30 PM; Clarence Youth Bureau, 10510 Main St, Clarence, NY; $30 per family (couple or single); I will discuss the 6 "c"s of the teen years (15-17): cash, curfews, cohorts, conflict, consequences and cars based on the Rosemond principles of leadership parenting. Register at www.ludwigparentcoach.blogspot.com/p/workshop-registration.html

Questions? Give me a call at 634-6232 or email at carriludwig@gmail.com

Leadership Parents Handle Misbehavior

Parents ask me for solutions to various behavior problems all the time.  They generally want a quick tool that they can use to immediately, automatically get their child to behave - right now.

I can’t give them that.

Getting your children to choose to behave takes parental leadership.  It is more a state of being than a single action.  Once parents have mastered the state of being, THEN they can implement various tools.  And when parents are practicing leadership parenting effectively, they only need the tools ocassionally!

The quick fixes only work for well-established leadership parents.  Sometimes all you need is a caustic “really?” or “the look” or “you already know the answer to that” or “you are going to your room for the rest of the day”.  But don’t expect any of those to solve major, ongoing misbehavior.

Leadership parents know that they have to be strategic in their parenting.  They know that they are not going to get car misbehavior under control by saying “stop that”.  Nor is their suddenly obnoxious 6 year old going to turn delightful because you take his Kindle away for a night.  Nor is their wildly disobedient child going to turn around because you send him to his room after supper tonight.

The very first thing leadership parents do is ACT LIKE LEADERS.  They talk quietly, assuredly, calmly.  They give directions clearly and concisely.  They don’t give too many directions.  They don’t threaten, bargain or give second chances.

Above all, they don’t talk too much.

One of the most useless actions I see is trying to talk your child into good behavior.  Things like: “oh sweetie, it isn’t nice to hurt your brother, I just know you didn’t mean to hurt him, don’t you want your brother to like you, how would you feel if someone hit you, oh I am so disappointed in you, don’t you want Mommy to be proud of her little man”.  Trust me, your child is not listening to all that AND he is a child so what he does hear will not mean any of the things YOU think it means.

Please, please save your breath!!!!

When you want obedience, give your directions in clear terms.  Whenever possible, predict misbehavior and give your directions BEFORE it happens.  “While we are in the car, you are not to hit or tease your brother.”  If the misbehavior happens, then have a plan on what you will do about it.  (You could stop the car and wait until all misbehavior stops, you could turn around and go home immediately, you could send him to bed immediately after supper).  But above all, don’t explain yourself and don’t talk, talk, talk about the incident.  Call the foul, assess the penalty and move on with life!

Misbehavior handled this way very often begins to decline quickly.  Calm, consistent leadership will tell your child that one way or the other, his parents will respond to misbehavior in ways he doesn’t like. 

It is true that for serious, imbedded and constant misbehavior, leadership parenting alone may not work.  Those are the times we need to develop tools and behavior management plans.  And they will work, but ONLY when put in place by Leadership Parents!

5 Steps to a Defiant Teen

1. They are only young once and you are striving to be the perfect parent, so make sure that your kids have no responsibilities whatsoever.  They after all, did not ask to be born, so you really have no right to give them regular chores.  You decided to live in this house with these kids so be prepared to do 100% of the work that needs doing.

If you should, on rare occasions, ask them to help, for example to bring in the groceries from the car, understand that they might tell you they don’t have time, were just leaving, it isn't their job, or that you should ask their sibling to do it.  Be understanding and gently explain that it is nice to do things for others, but you see this isn't a good time, so maybe they could help another time.

2. Money – they need a lot of it.  Don't ever add up all that you give them in a month’s time.  Just listen to each request and if it is reasonable, give it to them.  They are much too young to learn how to budget.  Besides you do not want to make them feel bad that they are completely dependent on you so just cheerfully, hand over the money requested.  After all, if you can afford it, there is simply no reason to say no.

3. Make sure you are completely, instantly available to them whenever they ask you to be.  When they want a ride, provide it.  When they want a snack, drop everything and make it for them.  When they want to have a friend over, always say “yes” even if you have plans.  Don’t make too many plans with your spouse or other adults for fear they will get in the way of being available to your child when they want you.

4. Entertainment – take an active interest in assuring that your child always has some fun things to do.  Make plans, buy the tickets, and invite other kids to join you.  Enroll them in soccer, music and dance lessons, art classes, theater classes and 6 week summer camps. When nothing special is planned, make sure you suggest activities or offer to play a game with them so they won’t get bored.  It is important to make sure that every waking moment is filled with positive experiences so that they won’t go off and get into trouble.

5. Above all, micromanage them every minute of every day to assure that they are safe.  Call them on their cell phone whenever you haven’t seen them for more than 1 hour.  Do it in the name of building a good relationship with them to show them you are interested in what they are doing and who they are doing it with.  Assume that if you have been out of touch for more than an hour they can be up to no good.

If you laughed and said “no way” to these suggestions, you are in the minority.  Too many parents are doing all of the above without ever realizing they are.  But somewhere between age 13 and 16, they suddenly see their child’s grades slip, undesirable friends and evidence of illegal substances.  It is SO late to deal with at this point (not impossible but really hard).  So if you see yourself in the above, step back, evaluate where your child is headed and make some strategic changes to your parenting style!  In a few more years, your child will thank you!

Mommy, I Earned Playtime!!!

Parents are beginning to look for ways to keep children’s behavior under reasonable control over the summer months.  One Mom, who hates coming home to a messy house, came up with a rather clever approach.  She will put up a chart on the wall that lists the basic chores and behaviors she wants.  When the kids comply they will earn stars which can be turned in for favorite outdoor activities.  If there aren't enough stars, they can’t have that activity.

This Mom’s plan has a few things going for it.  She is acting like a leader, telling the kids clearly what she expects and assuming her legitimate authority as the head of the household.  She is not explaining away their misbehavior (because they are tired, because they are bored, because, because, because….).

But I do find a few problems that we should explore. 

Basically, rewards do not work over the long haul (and summer vacation is most definitely the long haul!!!).  What happens on rainy days when they can’t play outside anyway?  Or when they aren't going to be home to play outside (family plans, ball games etc.)?  Or when the named activities are no longer the favorites?  Or when they just plain don’t care about outside play? 

Rewards also imply that there must be something in it for me before a child is required to comply with good behavior.  And surely THAT is not what parents mean!!!!

Also, rewards suggest the parent is willing to negotiate good behavior.  “Well, Jonathan, if that reward isn't what you want, what would make you follow the directions?”  Pretty soon you will be up to ice cream trips, then an amusement park trip, a new bike, an IPod and……. Well you get the picture!!!!

So here is my thought.  I love the list on the wall.  Keep it short and simple!!!  It might include:

·         Make your bed in the morning

·         Pick up toys by 4PM

·         Kitchen clean and neat by 4PM

·         Your babysitter or caregiver reports you have been respectful

But that’s it.  No rewards for good behavior.  Just clear, concise expectations.  You tell them about the chart the night before it goes up by saying: “I am putting up your summer behavior chart tonight and I expect you to succeed every day.  No one is going to nag you or remind you to do these things.  We just expect it.”

The next day the chart goes up. Mom kisses her kids good bye with a cheerful “Have a great day” and no more discussion of expected behavior.

Likely outcomes to this approach include:

·         Improved behavior for a few days and then gradual deterioration

·         No improvement at all

·         Worsening behavior!!

In all instances, when Mom gets home if the expectation hasn't been met, she calmly (totally in charge) announces a significant consequence. “Because you didn't succeed with your chart today, you are losing your scooter and pool time for tomorrow”.  (If it is going to be a rainy day, pick something else!!!) 

That’s it – when your kids have earned the negative consequences a few times, they will begin to realize that their freedom and privileges are all based on the choices THEY make.  While they are learning this you must be calm – no threats, no second chances, no yelling, no “When are you going to start listening to me”, no “I am so angry – I can’t believe you would treat me like this”, etc.

Give them the time they need to learn the new approach.  It really should not take too long.  Expect a little backsliding – because learning takes time and because they will need to test you to see if you still mean it!

And on a good day, there is nothing wrong with taking everyone out for ice cream.  Not as a reward for the good behavior, but just because it is a beautiful summer evening and all is well with the world!!!

Mom, I Need Money!

Mindy at age 10 is always asking for money.  Her parents listen to each request and finding most of them reasonable, usually give her the cash.  She wants ice cream, dance school t-shirts, pens and pencils for school, a new jacket that is cooler than the one she has, a toy while they are at the toy store, a mall trip with her friend’s family, music for her ipod, a new book……

I asked them how much money they were giving her each month.  Neither one knew but looking somewhat sheepish, predicted it might be about $100.  I asked them to give it some thought, writing down everything they could remember for the last month.  When they returned, they reported it was $210. Wow, $50 a week for 100% discretionary funding.  I know many adults who don’t have that kind of free money.

Mindy does not get an allowance so the only way she can access money is to ask for it.  Her parents know this and assume that as good parents, they should fund all reasonable requests. 

My biggest concern with this approach is that Mindy is not going to have an eternal fountain of cash available to her all her life.  And she is not learning how to cope when that bountiful geyser dries up.  She will have no skills with budgeting or delayed gratification.  How will she decide whether to save for groceries or go to the movies?  What will she do when she doesn't have the rent money? How angry will she be when her entry level salary gives her almost NO discretionary cash? 

Doesn't she deserve better than that?

Allowance isn't just about having money to spend.  It is about learning to be RESPONSIBLE for budgeting it carefully, to be RESOURCEFUL when you want more money than you have and to become gradually INDEPENDENT in money matters so you can be an adult when the time comes.

So here is the magical allowance plan I suggested for Mindy’s parents.  Give her an allowance of $25 per week and let her know that is all the money you are going to give her for discretionary spending.  That cuts her current standard of living in half, but it is STILL more money than a lot of adults have.

Tell her allowance comes at a specific time each week and you will not advance it.

Tell her that sometimes you have to save for things you want and it may take a few weeks to get them.

 

If she wants more money for a particular purpose, brainstorm with her about how she might get it.  If there is a BIG job at your home that isn't a part of routine home operations (such as painting the fence), you might offer to pay her for it.  Maybe she can ask for the item for her birthday or for Christmas.

As she gets older, I would add more money to the weekly allowance, but I would also add more things that she is responsible for purchasing herself (i.e. school supplies, clothes beyond the basics, school lunches, dues/registrations for any organizations she is in). 

Many parents of 10 year olds are not able to give them $25 each week in allowance and I am not suggesting they should.  For Mindy, we just needed to get her back on track in learning how to handle money.  The dramatic decrease gave her the wakeup call she needed to learn that most things in life are not free.

The point here is to help your child learn to handle money responsibly using whatever amount of allowance you can afford and believe in. 

So….. “Mom, I need money” becomes “Mom, I need a bigger allowance”.  To which you may cheerfully reply, “Yeah, me too!”