The Homework Beast

Last fall a friend received a “Homework Tip” sheet from their 7^th grade daughter’s new school.  Parents were directed to check the homework memo book nightly, supervise the homework and provide all needed help.  If books were forgotten, the parent should come to school – access to lockers was available 24/7! 

 

Makes you wonder whose responsibility the homework is, doesn’t it?!  Many parents take school expectations on homework way too seriously.  They sit with their children, coaching, nagging and hand holding night after night.  And the more they do, the less their children do.  Families are held hostage by the nightly homework battle – nerves get frayed, bedtimes get later and later, and homework takes center stage for the whole family.  Parents feel that it is a “good parent” requirement to make sure the homework is done and done correctly.  But all this help only builds dependency and actually, lowers self-esteem as the child feels increasingly incapable.

Under these conditions, the child is learning absolutely nothing about becoming a responsible, resourceful human being – and isn’t that a MAJOR component of the homework experience?

I would suggest that the proper parent role is to MINIMIZE their involvement.  Inquire and be aware of homework assignments, show interest and an expectation that it will get done.  Provide a quiet place AWAY from family activity to do homework and basic supplies such as pens, paper, crayons, and pencils.  If the child needs assistance, tell him to pick up his work from his quiet homework place and bring it to a parent with his question.  After a couple minutes discussion, send the child back to his homework haven to continue on his own.  If the child truly doesn’t understand the work, it is a good sign that he needs more help from his teacher and should ask for it the next day in class.  But very often, once sent back to continue his work alone, the child gathers his wits about him and figures it out.  And perhaps most importantly, there should be a rule about when homework must be done. 

In our home it was 8PM at which time the pre-bedtime routine began.  When this rule went into effect, my 8 year old daughter did indeed cry hysterically when homework wasn’t done.  I stood absolutely, calmly firm; the kids faced the consequences in school the next day of not having finished their homework; and suddenly homework started getting done by the deadline.  I am sure my children said fun things like “my mom wouldn’t let me finish my homework” and I am sure teachers had a few raised eyebrows.  But once we got past these couple of incidents, homework forever and always became my children’s’ responsibility and was nearly always done and done well. 

They learned their school lessons, but they also learned responsibility, resourcefulness, time management and perseverance – traits that will follow them throughout their lives!

School Volunteer

I am volunteering in a local elementary school this year.  Each week I work with several kids who need extra help in math.  I usually do one on one sessions with first, second and third graders.

All works really well, except…..my 2nd grade group of 3 or 4 kids.  The group changes week to week depending on who most needs help.  And frankly, after the first couple weeks of being polite, they pretty much stopped listening to me.  The kids liked this half hour of special time out of the classroom and took it as an opportunity to squirm, wiggle and giggle.  I could not control them for the short 30 minutes I had with them!

I normally get to their classroom about 5 minutes early and could easily see how well behaved the entire classroom was.  The teacher is pleasant but firm and a lot of work is getting done.  My dilemma was that I had absolutely no authority or consequence over these little people that could inspire them to follow my directions.  Hmmm….what to do???

A few weeks ago at the end of our session, I asked the kids what happens in their class if they talk and giggle and wiggle when they should be working.  With big eyes and complete seriousness, they told me the teacher takes one of their 3 sticks.  They carefully explained that losing 1 stick is a warning, losing 2 sticks loses 5 minutes of recess and losing 3 sticks means losing all of recess.  BINGO!  With a serious look on my face, I calmly announced that from now on, when they misbehaved with me, I would ask their teacher to remove a stick.  Problem absolutely, completely solved.  They do not want to lose a stick!!!

Now each week I remind them of the rule at the beginning of the session (because the kids in the group often changes, I need to make sure they all know it).  But then I do not remind, threaten or give second chances.  So far, I haven’t needed to take a stick. They are really delightful and we get our work done!  I may need to take a stick in the next couple weeks but I am betting it will only be once.  So, kudos to a great teacher who knows how to be a leader in her classroom and make it easy for volunteers like me to actually accomplish something!

That’s it parents – figure out the consequence that matters to your kids and let them know that misbehavior will “earn” them that consequence.  While you will have to levy the penalty a few times, they will likely soon be following your directions!

Parenting Takes Energy!

A friend described nightly battles getting their 4 year old to stay in bed.  They put him down at 8PM and then the fun begins.  He gets up to ask for all the usual things –  water, one more hug, a bathroom trip, something he forgot to tell them, more water, more hugs and on it goes.

I suggested a simple strategy – tie a ribbon on his bedroom door.  If after he goes to bed, he wants something, tell him he may bring you the ribbon and you will cheerfully fulfill his request. However, if he gets up again, his bedtime will be an hour earlier the next night.  Each night starts fresh with 1 ribbon on his door (even if he has the earlier bedtime).

The parents correctly pointed out that he will still likely get up over and over again.  I responded yes, he probably will, but just calmly lead him back to bed each time – without fulfilling any of the additional requests.  It is the early bedtime over a series of days or weeks that is going to help him choose to stay in bed in the future.

In the meantime, the parents are going to be spending some energy in repeatedly taking him back to bed.  And they need to do this calmly and without yelling – which takes additional energy when you are tired after a long day.  And this strategy may not get immediate results – he may improve for a bit and then try testing to see if his parents really mean it.  So more getting up and leading him back to bed……  But in 2 or 3 weeks of parental consistency, bedtime problems should be a thing of the past.

The parents looked at me in exasperation and said “But I want him to mind me right now!"  Realistically if what they have been doing so far isn’t working, isn’t it time to try something new?  Currently they are using just as much energy meeting his requests as they will when leading him back to bed.  The big difference is the first approach is likely to continue – for years!  And the second can solve the problem in a few weeks.

It is important to understand that a child has free will.  Parents are not going to tie him in bed, so the only way he is going to stay there is IF HE CHOOSES TO.   Parents need to make the consequence big enough to help him choose the behavior they want.  

Certainly when a problem behavior is long standing, it takes some time to correct it and it does take energy.  So, up off the couch, to attend to your child’s misdeeds – but comfort yourself that this new leadership strategy is going to get your child’s attention – not just over bedtime issues, but all the issues that come up as a child learns to take his proper place in his family – as a disciple of parents he chooses to follow!

Parenting Overview

I can sum up Rosemond parenting principles is just a couple of sentences!

Under this parenting style, a child chooses to follow the legitimate authority and leadership of his parents.  His parents convey their loving leadership with clear, authoritative direction that does not give explanations and pays only a little attention to the child’s feelings, wishes, and wants. The parent conveys his expectation with a few clear, concise words and does not enter into arguments or discussions about his directions.

There you have it!  It sounds terribly simple and at its heart, it is.  What complicates the matter is typical parental unwillingness to make children the least bit unhappy.  So parents argue, and explain and negotiate and change the directions to try and make the child happy with whatever is going on.  But so often, your child does not really know what is best for him or what he really wants and the more this drama continues, the more he misbehaves.  When a parent insists on proper behavior, the child will become more secure and thereby happier and more obedient.

Most parents are perfectly comfortable with leadership, authoritative speech for a visit to the doctor.  They say things like, “You need to come home right after school today because you have a doctor’s appointment at 4:00.”

Only a very few parents would say: “Hey it is time for your physical. Would you like to go see Dr. Smith?  He is such a nice man.  Won’t that be fun?  Is it ok with you if we go?  Is today a good day or would you like me to change it for you?”

And even if the child grumbles and whines that he doesn’t want to go, most parents will not enter into much discussion about it.  They know health care is in the child’s best interests and that is just the way it is going to be.

When parents want their child’s attention, they need to claim it simply, clearly and concisely.  A direction to: pick up toys, come to the dinner table, turn off the tv, start getting ready for bed, stay by my side at the store, stop hitting your brother - should be given just as simply as the doctor announcement.

That is Rosemond parenting in a nutshell.  Now if your children aren’t used to such direction, it is going to take awhile and a few interventions to convince them that you have chosen to claim your legitimate authority.  But indeed it can be done when a parent  commits himself to leading his children.  More on how in future postings!

Time Out

No, I don’t mean for the kids!  This one is for you.  Take a deep breath and let it out slowly……….REALLY slowly………  Go ahead, I’ll wait for you.

There, didn’t that feel good?  Don’t you feel more relaxed?

One of the biggest mistakes parents make is reacting to misbehavior before they think.  If everyone took a long, slow, deep breath and backed 2 steps away from the issue at hand, they would allow themselves to think through their options.  Managing misbehavior is largely a matter of strategy.  When you shoot from the hip with an immediate response, you often act out of anger and you often yell.  And frequently, you just impose the first consequence you think of - without considering if it will really change the way your child is acting.  Oh, it might stop whatever is going on right now, but will it stop it for the long haul?

Consequences that really stop misbehavior are large enough to get your child’s attention and often “larger” than the misbehavior.  But when you get your child’s attention, he will more likely choose better behavior in the future; you won’t need to constantly impose large consequences.

Didn’t pick up his toys?  Parents, take a deep breath and don’t react at all.  But tonight after dinner, announce he is going to bed right now because he didn’t pick up his toys.

Didn’t wash the car when you asked?  Parents, take a deep breath and do it yourself.  But Friday night when he wants to go to the movies, tell him no because he didn’t wash the car.

Now if there is a perfect consequence when the incident occurs, there is nothing wrong with imposing it - if you can do so calmly and without yelling.  But many times there isn’t one at hand.  So take a deep, long slow breath and wait for the right moment.  It will come.  And I promise, your child (older than 3) is going to remember the misbehavior and learn a lesson about how he wants to behave in the future!

One word of caution – it is part of the strategy to REMEMBER to impose a consequence – too often if we get past the moment, we tell ourselves, “oh that behavior wasn’t so bad” or we forget about it until the next time.  Don’t do that – misbehavior needs your attention; it just needs to be your calm, well planned attention! 

The Big "T" Word

I was talking to the mother of a 4 year old a few months ago about her daughter’s absolute refusal to use the toilet.  Mom was really looking for a solution as a new baby was due in a couple months.  The thought of 2 children in diapers was depressing enough, but she also worried that if they didn’t clear this hurdle before the birth, it would be months before they would be up to the task.

Mom had talked to a lot of people about how to motivate and teach her daughter to use the bathroom.  From “fill her up with liquids” to “she’ll train when she is ready” to “tell her she can’t go to school until she is trained”, good meaning people had good meaning ideas.  But they all missed one key fact – the child was completely aware of the bathroom, what it was for and how to go about it.  She simply CHOSE to not be bothered with all that – for whatever reason, of which I have no clue.

Now I am certainly not discussing a younger child of a more traditional toilet training age.  I am talking about a healthy, lively, intelligent 4 year old who has been staying dry for long stretches and during naps for a year and a half, who has successfully used the toilet on a couple occasions and who can dress and undress herself.  When such a child is not toilet trained, she is choosing not to be.

We often don’t know why children make the choices they do.  But in today’s society, we often believe we need to know.  If we don’t know, we make up reasons that usually have to do with the child’s hurt feelings or poor psychological health or low self-esteem.  Then we go about trying to solve the made up reason.  And generally we get little or no change to the choice the child is making.  But we get ourselves really worried!

A far better approach is to simply become the parental leader who clearly states the expected behavior and clearly follows up with consequences when the expected behavior does not occur.  CALM, matter of fact consequences.

So what did I advise this mom?  Starting on a morning when you can be mostly home for several days, tell your daughter that she is to use the toilet from now on.  Spend some time (about 10 minutes) with her to rehearse the skills needed – going into the bathroom, removing her clothes, sitting on the toilet, wiping herself, adjusting her clothes, washing her hands, etc.  Be calm, gentle and matter of fact – absolutely no threats, no bribes, no promises.  Then tell her that if she has an accident, she will be responsible for going into the bathroom to change her clothes, clean herself up and rinse out her soiled clothes. (Make sure that all the necessary supplies are in place for her).  Tell her this calmly and matter of factly – no yelling, no screaming, no threats.  Then take off her diaper, put her in big girl underwear and a loose shirt.  You also might consider confining her to some limited portion of the house that might include the bathroom and kitchen.  From here on, she is on her own.  Mom and Dad do not remind her or ask her if she needs to use the potty.  When she is successful, a calm word of encouragement is all that is needed – no great big treats or excited, over the top praise – those can be self defeating.  When she has an accident (and she will), no great big negative reactions – just point her in the direction of the bathroom to clean up.   The most important thing is to not over react and to not back down.  If Mom and Dad are calm and consistent, she should choose to take over this new responsibility within a couple weeks.

Mom did indeed look at me like I was nuts.  But she pondered the ideas for a few weeks and then realized how completely inconsistent they had been in communicating to their daughter that she was to use the toilet from now on.  So although she tweaked some of my suggestions, she did announce that a new day had dawned and diapers would be no more.  And indeed this beautiful little girl is now completely toilet trained and getting ready to welcome the new baby as the big sister she is really becoming!