Lessons on the Soccer Field

In a recent conversation, I mentioned that my son is adopted from Korea.  A mom asked if we ever experienced prejudice.  The happy answer is there were only a couple incidents. By and large he was welcomed by schools, kids, parents and church.  But she asked how I handled the things that did happen.

The answer is simple: I took 2 steps backwards.  I often recommend this method when disciplining children but also any time you are going to react emotionally; step back, calm down and wait for a good response.

One lovely summer evening, our travel soccer team played a new opponent.  My son, Kevin, loved soccer and was very fast.  Along with his teammates, we were routing the other team.  Soon I started hearing things like: “there goes the Chink”, “Hey Chink boy”, “oh aren’t we all scared by the Chink”.  It went on and on.  No coach stopped it. This had never happened before and I was appalled and angry.

But I just sat there.  I wanted to jump up and stop the game but I knew that “interfering soccer moms” are rarely listened to and seen only as a pain in the neck.  My friends were watching me – I knew they thought I should react. But I continued to sit there.

After the game, Kevin and his teammates ran over and asked if I heard the slurs. I said yes but that the opponent team “was close, but no cigar”.  When they all looked at me puzzled, I explained that “Chink” was a derogatory word for a Chinese person, but Kevin was Korean so they got it all wrong.  The kids started laughing and in a move, I will never forget, they started dancing around Kevin, chanting a kind of rap: “Close, but no cigar; close, but no cigar”.  The tension was immediately over.

Two weeks later we played the same team.  Before the game I approached our coach and told him that if the same thing happened, I would not sit still, but would stop the game and remove Kevin from the field.  Our coach talked to their coach and whatever else they did; there were no more racial slurs.

Everyone learned so much.  Kevin continued to own and be proud of being Korean.  His friends learned that prejudice is often ignorant, mindless and just not true.  The coaches learned to take action (maybe late, but they would have learned nothing if I had embarrassed them by stopping the first game).  And I learned that supporting my son can sometimes best be done by looking at the whole picture – taking 2 steps backward and giving myself the gift of thinking.

The 2 steps backward rule works well in discipline too.  Wait until you are calm and have a plan.  Only then should you impose a consequence – I promise your children will remember what you are talking about and you will look much more like a leader to be listened to!!!!

Nature's Power In Raising Kids

During an early morning visit to see manatees on Florida’s Orange River, I heard a childish voice ring out across the stillness.  She was about 10 and was kayaking with her mother among these gentle, almost prehistoric sea animals.  “Look over here, look over there, oh my gosh, there are some more”; her innocent enthusiasm and delight left many of the park visitors smiling.

I also noted that she was completely comfortable with the kayak and handled it as a contributing member of the 2 person team.  She looked like a child that spent a lot of time outdoors.

It seems to me that children who experience nature and the outdoors on a regular basis develop many benefits.  It connects them with the great circle of life, the many mysteries of the world.  It dwarfs them in the larger scheme of things and teaches them that they are not the most important part of the universe.  They learn to respect nature and take their place in stewarding its gifts.  They learn how they can contribute to important ecological issues (saving the endangered manatees, for example).

They learn independence and resourcefulness as they master the skills needed to be strong and safe.  They face problems that need to be solved right now.  My brother once saved our cousin from drowning when the cousin fell off a rock at a very remote Northern Canada lake.  At the same lake, my friend and I struggled for 20 minutes to get back into a rowboat we had been swimming from.  The adults watched us from shore and would have come out to help us if we needed them, but they let us figure it out.  How proud and important my brother was when he became the family hero.  How much self confidence my friend and I gained when we got back into that boat.

Of course, there were many other factors in our growing up, but it is not surprising to me that my brother, friend and I all grew up to be confident, resourceful and independent people.  And we all continue to love the outdoors and nature.

My advice to parents is to get your kids outside as much as possible.  Expect them to entertain themselves in the yard.  Help them develop the skills and independence needed to ride their bikes safely so they can explore their neighborhood on their own.  Take them to parks and beaches and set them free to find the fun of building sand castles or playing in the waves.  Plan family hikes and visits to zoos and public gardens.

Call a time out from the addictions of the digital world – a world that is taking up much too much of our children’s time.  The digital world of tablets, ipods, tv, video games and computers is passive entertainment; the natural world is active entertainment.  Out of interactive, experiential activity, children learn responsibility, resourcefulness and respect.  Which by the way, are the main characteristics parents ask me to help them achieve with their children!

Lying Part 2

As children get older, they indeed may consciously lie.   The lie is often the SECOND misbehavior committed in an attempt to cover up the first one.

·         A 9 year old girl disrupts her class, resulting in a teacher’s note that Mom or Dad is to sign.  She forge’s Mom’s signature and insists to the suspicious teacher that it is Mom’s signature.  

·         An 11 year old boy, having trouble with homework, promises to ask for help tomorrow.  He comes home and says he did.  Doubtful, Mom emails the teacher.  She learns he neither asked for help nor made up some missing assignments

·         A 10 year old girl has a note from Mom giving her permission to ride a different bus after school.  She forgets to take it to the office and then tells the bus driver that they simply forgot to stamp it. (School authorities spend time and worry figuring out where she is).

In all three instances lying was secondary to an initial behavior problem – disrespecting teachers, forging signatures, not getting extra help, not taking the note to the office.  While the lying clearly must be punished, these families should ALSO address the initial misbehavior. 

Children learn best when they are required to take responsibility for their actions.  In these instances, we are talking about some fairly serious issues.  A big limitation on the child’s freedom will punish the misdeeds.  But to prevent them from occurring again, responsibility must be put solely on the child’s shoulders. 

Some suggestions:

The child is grounded to his room for 1 week for BOTH the first problem and the lying.  After the week:

·         The 9 year old continues to be grounded to her room until she brings home a statement of “good behavior” signed by her teacher every day for 10 days.  If on any day, no note comes home, the 10 days start over again.

·         The 11 year old is to bring home a weekly statement from his teacher “that all homework assignments were submitted this week in a neat and acceptable manner”.  Any week that the statement doesn’t come home, he is grounded to his room the following week (beginning with the weekend!)  (Helpful hint – stop micromanaging his homework assignments!!)

·         The 10 year old loses all electronics until she has 14 days with no checkmarks on a daily chart (checks are given for either being irresponsible or lying).  If she gets a check on day 4 or 6 or 13, the 14 days starts over again.

In all 3 instances, the child receives a significant restriction on their freedom (which is NOT too harsh – he is still fed, safe, secure and cared for).  But most importantly, he is given a huge opportunity to become responsible for himself.

Just as important, the parent stays calm and in charge.  While some brief discussion about lying is acceptable, your lecture is not what will influence better behavior in the future.  Put the monkey on your child’s shoulder and let him figure out how to make it go away – it will be a lesson he will not soon forget!

Lying - Part 1

At a recent workshop, several parents were concerned about lying in their homes.  Examples included children of 5 and 6 as well as children between 9 and 11 – a horse of a different color.  In today’s blog I will focus on young children.  But first of all, the common elements of lying.

When kids lie, parents get really upset – they believe in honesty, they are upset that their child would disrespect them by lying, and they fear that the child is going to turn into a criminal!  One of the key things I recommend to parents is to “take 3 steps backward from misbehavior incidents, take a deep breath and look at the larger picture”.  That almost always results in developing a better response than jumping feet first into the heat of the moment.

Young children do not have the same sense of right and wrong that adults have.  Young children are NOT “little adults”; they do not know what you do.  Therefore, in most instances of young children misbehaving, I recommend that you don’t ask a lot of questions – don’t provide the opportunity for lying in the first place!  If you are reasonably certain that your child did something, don’t ask whether he did it – you are setting him up to say “no” and starting a cat and mouse game.  And when you play cat and mouse you do not look like you are in charge!! 

Your reaction to childish behavior problems should be to “call the foul and assess the penalty”.  If you don’t ask a lot of questions, you won’t give them the opportunity to lie!

·         “You took candy without my permission so now you are going to spend an hour in your room.”

·         “Your toothbrush is dry – go brush them now”.

·         He told you his friend hit him, but then changes the story.  “Oh your friend didn’t hit you?  Well I am glad of that” – and drop the subject.  If you keep asking “why did you lie to me”, your child may really not know the answer and he may be pressed to just make something up.

·         He sneaks into your room to retrieve a toy you had taken away as punishment, and then hides it. “You took your toy without permission so you are spending the rest of the day in your room”.  (Helpful hint: avoid the cat and mouse game in the first place – if you take something away, put it someplace he CANNOT get it) 

Stop trying to figure out why they took candy, didn’t brush teeth, lied about being hit or took the toy back.  Statements like “You know better”, “I thought I could trust you”, “I am very disappointed in you” are stating your adult interpretation of moral behavior.  Your young child simply does not understand right and wrong the way you do.  So use consequences effectively to address the initial misbehavior and don’t create the breeding ground for lies to start!!!  Learning right from wrong will come – albeit in baby steps – Rome wasn’t built in a day!!

 

DEFIANCE IS NEVER OK!

Defiance is a word that strikes terror in any parents’ heart!

Defiance is scary because we conjure up terrible outcomes from defiant children.  We fear utter chaos in our homes, our own furious reactions or uncontrollable teenagers.

Many families, when learning John Rosemond parenting, tell me that handling defiance is impossible. They say that no matter what consequence they try to impose, the defiant child (especially those over age 9) simply fights back – even taking the fight to a physical level.

·         Send him to his room?  He stands there and screams even more. 

·         Tell him he can’t watch TV?  He goes to the TV, turns it on anyway and starts kicking if you come near him.

·         Send him to bed early?  He yells that “you can’t make me”.

·         Tell him he can’t go out and play with friends?  He runs out the door anyway.

Parents, the key here is to STOP playing the cat and mouse game. Take 3 steps backwards, think through what is going on in your home and come up with a plan that you KNOW you can control.

Here are 2 examples.

1.       In all of the above scenarios, you do not want to fight your child in any way.  Stay calm (I know this is hard in the face of utter defiance, but you are the teacher and your child is going to learn a lesson – sometimes teachers have a rough go!)  When you can quietly get a word in, say something like: “Well you can make your decisions, but then I will make mine”. 

 

Later when you have come up with a plan and he is calm, just quietly tell him “because you chose to not follow my directions earlier, you are losing your bike for 2 weeks”; or “I am not driving you to any social activity for 2 weeks”.  It must be a major consequence that absolutely gets the message across that you will not tolerate defiance.  You must carry it out completely, no changes, no backing down.  Remember, defiance is NOT EVER ok.

2.       You are using a ticket system, but when you take a ticket from your 9 year old, she continues to kick, yell, scream, and hang onto your shirt.  Instead of trying to get away from her, sit down calmly and let her tantrum continue until she calms down.  Then tell her that she is completely free to choose to have a tantrum after losing a ticket, but if she does, bedtime is right after supper (assuming that isn’t the consequence for losing all the tickets).

In both examples, you stay calm and most importantly, you stay in charge.  You act like the leader who knows what he wants and expects to get it.  You will need to be consistent and should expect to get tested several times.  Defiance is rarely created overnight and it is unlikely to go away overnight.  But in a fairly short time the words “You make your decision and I will make mine” should strike a chord in your child’s head that reminds him to rethink his choices!

Raising Kids - Looking Back

I loved raising my kids.  And I always loved each new stage even more than the last one! 

Certainly there was some misbehavior. But the misbehavior doesn’t come close to defining my parenting experience – it was just a subplot woven through the grand story. 

I think my adherence to traditional parenting methods was the key element that made discipline not a big deal.  Sometimes when I write about Rosemond leadership parenting, people get the impression that traditional parenting is a cruel, heartless dictatorship.  It is not.  It is a clear, calm set of expectations that children learn to accept.  With that acceptance, they develop more responsibility.  With responsibility comes more freedom.  As they grow through the preteen and teenage years, they often have more freedom than their friends.  They also learn to think for themselves, manage their own time and persevere when things are difficult.

Traditional parents solve many problems before they ever get started.  Their leadership guides children’s behavior from the time they leave infancy. They rarely have to implement a complicated or long term solution to misbehavior.  They use consequences thoughtfully and wisely such that their children learn that being a good citizen member of the family is one of their most important responsibilities.  But they certainly do use them and don’t apologize or fret about it.

Because my kids were reasonably well behaved and enjoyable for family and friends to be around, they had a lot of fun experiences.  They really didn’t spend a lot of time in time-out or being grounded or having privileges withheld. 

Within the traditional parenting framework, we had a rich and fun family life.   Family vacations – from cottages to Disney World.  And the birthday parties!  Not the most creative person in the world, I somehow was a wiz at giving parties that kids loved – treasure hunts, face painting, dramatic skits, making masks, painting t-shirts and a wonderful afternoon at the beach for 13 year old boys – I worried they would be bored but all had a ball!  And the daily routine that went with dance lessons, ball practices, scouting and school musicals.  We insisted on a calm balance when the kids were in grade school, but as they got older, more independent and had more individual interests, they did get very busy.  But by then, the planning and logistics were on their shoulders, not mine.

In the meantime I had a busy career and many other adult interests.  That is another key to traditional parenting – you are available to your children when they truly need you, but you are actively involved in your adult interests and not at your child’s side every minute of every day.  I did not have time to micromanage them, so they had to do it themselves if they wanted to pursue their interests.

Many people feel that parenting is the hardest thing they have ever done, but with traditional approaches, I found it generally easy and generally calm.  No wonder I loved my parenting years! 

 

New Workshops Scheduled

Upcoming parenting series will be held at:
Sheridan Hill Elementary School - Oct 17th & 24th
Ledgeview Elementary School - Nov 7th & 14th

Email me for further information!!!