Walk Away - When You Want Your Child to Obey!

Helicopter parents!  Micromanaging parents! Why do they do it?  To keep their kids safe?  To make sure their instructions are followed? To be seen as a good parent?

Probably a lot of reasons.  But it is a habit that is sure to backfire because whatever they achieve in the short run, is often lost in the long run.  Why?  Because micromanaged kids don’t learn how to assume responsibility for themselves!  If you are following and reminding when your child is 5, unless you teach him some independence, you will be still be reminding when he is 16 or 18 or 25!!!!

Besides, most children just don’t like being micromanaged!  While parents think watchful attention is necessary for safety and obedience, kids often rebel and you get the opposite effect.  And even if the kids do obey this time, there is no guarantee they will the next time! 

The Rosemond leadership parent gives instructions once – clearly and concisely.  There are no threats or bribes in the instructions.  The parent, having issued instructions that he expects to be obeyed, simply walks away.  When parents consistently, reliably give direction in this manner, they are definitively more likely to be obeyed.

But if their child chooses to ignore them or misbehave, they don’t obsess over it.  They simply wait for a strategic moment to issue a consequence that will capture their child’s attention.  And the next time a clear instruction is issued, the child’s likelihood of obeying has suddenly increased tenfold!  In the process, he learns responsibility.

Parents tell me they want their children to obey immediately.  If they announce it is time to pick up the toys, they stand there and wait for the child to start.  If their child isn't fast enough, thorough enough or mutters under his breath, the parent pounces on him.  All red faced, he yells “Did you hear me, I mean NOW”  “What is that you are saying?”  “I don’t appreciate that attitude, young lady”.

Yet if the parent had walked away and checked back in 10 or 15 minutes, he would never know how the child went about following the instructions.  If you come back and the job is done, all is as it should be –if he muttered a lot or slammed a few things around; you don’t know it and no worries!

Parents say they encourage self-expression, but they really mean POSITIVE self-expression!  Allow your child the privacy and freedom to deal with his feelings and opinions and don’t let them become a battleground! SOME things, you are surely better off not knowing!

In addition, at some point, you are not going to be able to micromanage – your child will go to a birthday party or as a teenager, will be going out alone with friends.  If your child only obeys when micromanaged, he won’t be able to self-govern and he will not internalize your values.

He must experience the positive and negative aspects of his actions.  Give him a long rope and a lot of leeway – if he messes up, your calm consequences will teach him more than words or hovering attention ever can.  And the lessons will last!

Dear Child - Go To Sleep!!!!

After a busy Mother’s Day, 4 year old Jenny was as wound up as she could be.  When 8PM bedtime arrived, Mom did an extra special job of trying to calm her down.  First a warm bath with a few quiet tub toys; then a soothing story and finally hugs and kisses.

But… within 5 minutes the real nighttime routine began.  Jenny appeared and asked for water.  Then 10 minutes later, she was back asking for another hug.  2 minutes later, she announced she was scared of the monster under her bed.  And on and on it went for the next 2 hours.

Now if this was just one night as a result of being overtired, I would suggest Mom and Dad muddle through knowing that this too, shall pass.  But for Jenny, it was the same routine she pulled every night.

Mom and Dad reasoned, pleaded, bribed and threatened.  Eventually Jenny went to sleep every night but not until Mom and Dad went to bed.  They had no adult time for themselves!

So what is wrong with this picture?  4 year old Jenny has Mom and Dad exactly where she wants them – catering to her while she pretty much runs the household.  The problem is Jenny does not belong at the head of the house – that is her parent’s role.  It is not healthy for Jenny and is actually a little scary.  Children feel far more secure when there are reasonable rules that are enforced clearly and consistently.

So assuming Jenny’s parents decide to establish themselves as the center of the family unit around which their children will orbit from now on, how can they solve this bedtime battle?

A simple but powerful strategy is built on one single ribbon! After supper tonight, Mom and Dad tell Jenny that at bedtime, they will tie a ribbon on her bedroom door knob.  If she wants to get up after bedtime, she can bring them the ribbon and they will fill her request happily.  But if she gets up with another request, they won’t fill the request and tomorrow night she will go to bed 1 hour early (or directly after supper).

So as long as she has a ribbon, she can get up.  Not having a ribbon won’t prevent her from getting up, but if she chooses to, the consequence is early bedtime tomorrow.  Parents remain completely calm and in charge with absolutely no yelling, reminders or explanations.

This is a really good time of year to start this particular tool because it severely limits outside play time after supper.  Kids don’t like that limit very much when the weather is getting so nice!

I have seen many young children view this as a game and improvement comes quickly. Most other kids start to improve within a week or so.  Sometimes they backslide a bit to see if the parents really mean it.  But when parents remain calm and in charge, governed solely by the availability of one simple ribbon, the problem is solved!

You can keep the ribbon on the door for months or years – it is easy enough and a powerful reminder of a negative consequence most kids don’t want to have! 

Chores and Money Make Strange Bedfellows!

Children and money.  To give or not to give.  If to give, how much?  And what can parents expect in exchange for the money given?

I think this is 2 issues.  Chores should be every family member’s responsibility.  Our family loves us, provides for us, and is the securest place we will likely ever know.  Citizens have responsibility to contribute to the public good and our very first citizenship experience is in our families.

So what can kids contribute?  Chores!!!

Children over age 4 should have regular chores.  The 4 year old can set the table.  The 5 and 6 year old can make their beds and clear the table.  The 7 and 8 year old can do the dishes and clean the bathroom.  The 9 and 10 year old can vacuum and mop the floor.  Whatever you assign, don’t make the mistake of rotating chores among the kids.  First of all, they will blame the other person in the rotation if it doesn’t get done (“I thought it was his turn”).  Secondly, they won’t have the pride of ownership.  If you want to rotate jobs so that everyone learns how the house operates, then do it every 6 months or so.  By regular chores, I don’t mean occasionally setting the table.  I mean it is their responsibility every night – no one else does it (sure family pitches in if someone is sick, but you get the picture).

And how much should you pay them for these chores? 

Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.

  

Chores are THEIR contribution for the privilege of living in their loving, secure and safe family.  It is what they can do to assure that their family continues to be the best it can be for all members.

Allowance is another topic altogether.  Allowance is a key way to learn about money.  How to count it, what its value is, how to save it, how to budget it.  It amazes me that parents expect children to reach age 18 equipped to handle money when they have never done it.  It takes practice, folks!!!!!  When I volunteer in our local 2^nd grade, I see many kids who have no idea what a dime, nickel, quarter or half dollar are – they shouldn’t have to learn this in school!  So regular allowance is a necessity!  And as the point is to learn the HUGE life lesson of handling money, it should not be tied to behavior (unless of course, you find your teen using allowance to buy pot, but that is another story!)

Start your kids at about age 5 with a regular allowance.  As they get older, increase it and by age 8 begin to make them cover some of their expenses from it.  As teens, they should have a large enough allowance to cover more and more of their expenses (school supplies, entertainment, clothes) – this will give them experiential learning in budgeting and money management.

I know it is tempting to tie allowance to good behavior.  But there are so many other ways to manage behavior and the money lessons are too important.  You will be SO glad you gave your kids this learning opportunity when at 19 or 20 year they can handle their own money issues!

My Kids are Always Late - Part 2

Ouch!  Got some negative comments on my last blog about kids who are always late!  I had suggested teaching them to safely walk to school.  Then if they miss the bus, have them walk even though they might be late. 

Okay, okay; of course I get that some neighborhoods are not walkable and some people live much more than 6 blocks from school!!!! 

But the point of the article was that if you want your kids to choose a different behavior, MAKE THEM AN OFFER THEY CAN’T REFUSE.  If consequences are imposed at school for being late, so be it – don’t bail them out.  If you get notes from school about being late, take away all weekend privileges. If you are calmly consistent about your new rules, most kids will CHOOSE to start being on time instead of CHOOSING the consequences.  If you put the responsibility on their shoulders instead of yours, they will figure out that the solution lies in their hands.

We could discuss why they are late.  Feeling grumpy, didn’t sleep well, tv is more interesting, want to play with their doll, are slow starters….  But whatever it is, the parent probably can’t solve it.  If this is a pattern, then it is time to act.  The bonus is that your kids will become more responsible in the process;  a characteristic they NEED throughout life!

There are a zillion ways to make your point.  Be creative – based on your realities.  But just to help you out!!!  When my daughter was 5, we lived 10 miles from school.  I was not going to teach her to walk 10 miles if she missed the bus! 

But…. She was always late.  I would nag, remind and yell.  Then I would chase the bus with the car to catch it at the next stop!

EVERY morning was chaotic craziness!  So, I asked my day care mom if my daughter could spend the day with her if she missed the bus again.  I then told my daughter she needed to be ready at 8:10AM.  I would no longer remind or yell.  If she missed the bus she would go to her daycare mom’s for the day.

Things improved for a few days but then she started slowing down and soon missed the bus.  We got in the car, but instead of chasing buses we drove to daycare.  Our daycare Mom was great!  She made the day absolutely boring. There were only toddler toys, toddler lunch choices and everyone took naps.  Oh and she charged a quarter for lunch (exact amount of her allowance!)

That was all it took – my daughter never missed the bus again!  For some kids, it will take 3 or 4 times but if you are consistent and very calm this method works.

And yes, I know that this was not a legal absence and the school probably wouldn't approve of my choice.  But I am the parent and a few days of missed kindergarten in exchange for morning peace and a more responsible child was well worth my brief encounter with civil disobedience!

My Kids Are Always Late - HELP!

I run most mornings.  Neighborhoods are busy at that hour!!  Last week an elementary age boy flew from his house, jacket flying akimbo, backpack loosely in his grip and yelling “Noooooooooooooo” as he unsuccessfully chased the bus…..

Today I saw his Dad pulling into the driveway in an apparent hurry – slammed the car door and flew into the house.  I can only assume that little guy again missed the bus and Dad picked up the pieces by driving him the 4 blocks to school.

Yesterday, I saw a van zooming into a driveway, and ejecting a girl who ran inside.  Within seconds she emerged, jumped into the van and it flew back the way it came - towards the school 6 blocks away.  I wonder what she forgot!

Morning Drama!!!

So, what did these kids learn about responsibility and solving their own problems?  I would suggest, absolutely nothing! 

My thoughts?  Teach these 3^rd and 4^th graders to safely walk to school.  We live in a very walkable, safe neighborhood.  I would walk with them a few times, pointing out safety rules, neighbors we know and what to do in an emergency.  Then I would let them walk by themselves.  Maybe I would walk or drive behind them a few times.  Maybe I would let my friends know that they are walking. Maybe I would talk to some other Moms and get several kids walking together.  Of course, I want them to be safe.

But kids who are never allowed to be independent are robbed of precious opportunities to learn to think and solve life’s problems. Many parents are so frightened by our world that they don’t ever teach their kids to cope with it.  Think long and hard about that; they are going to be living in this world a long time.

Kids usually want more freedom so the idea of walking by themselves may be very appealing.  If it isn’t, they can always take the bus!!

After I am comfortable with their safety, I would announce that getting to school on time is from this day forward, completely their responsibility. They can walk, they can take the bus.  If they miss the bus, I will expect them to walk.  If they forget something, they can go without it or come back to get it.   Unplanned walking may make them late to school.  If there are school consequences for being late, so be it.  However, if being late should result in a call or note from school, I will ground them from all outside activities for that weekend. Oh, and I will not nag or threaten as they get themselves out the door.

Now the problem is on their shoulders, not mine.  They are likely going to make a few mistakes, but they will learn!  And in learning they will become more responsible and independent – all characteristics they are going to need to navigate the teen years and later, to become successful adults.

In the meantime, parents, enjoy a second cup of coffee - reminding yourself that parenting should NOT be the hardest thing you have ever done!

Workshop at Clarence Center Elementary

There are still some slots open for my workshop series on April 17th and 24th (6:30-8:30PM).  Call Christine or Michele at 407-9150 to register.  Funded by Still in One Peace Crisis Services, there is no cost to participants.

This is an interactive, often humorous workshop that presents the basic Rosemond parenting principles and then helps parents apply them to their own parenting concerns.

Typical topics range from defiance to bedtime hassles, from lying to homework problems.  This is a wonderful opportunity to understand John Rosemond's traditional, common sense parenting framework while developing real solutions to specific problems.

Feel free to email me if you have any questions!

Your Child at Age 30!

I often invite parents to describe the adult they hope their child will be at age 30.  In response, they say things like kind, caring, humble, respectful, responsible, a good citizen and a good neighbor.

No one has ever said: rich, famous, a snob or self-important.

Yet many parenting approaches put the focus exactly there.  We put kids into every activity we can - dance lessons, music lessons and sports teams.  Then we find ways to give them repeated, over the top praise.   If they get a bad grade or in trouble at school, we tell them it is the teacher or another student’s fault.   If they complain about how hard their homework is, we sit at their side to help, believing that frustration will make them feel they are a failure.

In the name of “protecting their self-esteem” we take away the gift of accomplishing what they can on their own.  We tell them they are successful, even when they aren't.  They become self-centered kids who believe they are entitled to a life of ease, praise and instant success.

We rob them of the opportunity to develop confidence and real life skills.  Sadly, I have seen lots of kids who believed they were supremely talented, wonderful and rightfully at the center of everyone else’s universe.  When they went off to college or work, many fell flat on their face as they began to experience some of life’s harsh realities.   They simply had no experience in figuring things out for themselves or humbly understanding that life is not ever perfect.

A young lady I know recently went on a mission trip to Peru.  While it says a lot that she would give up spring break to go to an impoverished country to live in dirt and squalor, I was perhaps most impressed by her blog title:

“Little Jessica, Big World”

Great  statement! She knows she is a small cog on the great big wheel we live in.  She had the courage to go far from home, give up her comfort and fun in order to serve others.  She knows there is a larger picture than a self-absorbed life.

Don’t worry too much about your child’s self-esteem.  Give them lots of opportunities to explore their world, to learn how they can impact on it and to be successful in their own small ways.   Small successes breed self-confidence and give children the will to try harder things.  Self-confident people don’t need others to build their self-esteem – it comes from within them.

Give your children responsibilities in the home and in the community.  Expect them to fight most of their own battles – your belief in them will build far more confidence than solving problems for them!

Let your children know that they are simply small parts of a great big world that they share with millions of other equally important, equally talented and equally valuable people.  Give them the experiences they need in order to grow into the adult you hope they will be at age 30!