Parenting Presentation

Join me as we celebrate "Back to School" with a refreshing discussion of leadership parenting, homes where parents are at the center of attention and some tips on how to restore/retain good behavior in your homes!

Stop Talking So Your Kids Can Listen!!!!!

CLEAR, CONCISE, STOP

One Mom has made herself this sign and posted it everywhere – both at home and at work.  She is completely amazed at the 180 degree change in her child’s behavior since she stopped explaining herself with words, words and more words.

When I first met her, I told her that sometimes the only thing you need to do to command your child’s attention is to use alpha speech, be clear, concise and commanding in your instructions and act like you expect to be obeyed.

But I didn't really think that would happen for them.  Their 6 year old was getting daily notes home from school and was wildly defiant with his parents.  Also, when I first talked to her, she was speaking so rapidly that she soon had me talking as fast as she was!  Neither of us could keep track of where the conversation was going!!

But in just 3 meetings, she really understood that she talked too much.  And that the more she talked and explained, the less her son was listening.

Talk about a Herculean effort!  But once she stopped talking about behavior, stopped asking him why he was misbehaving, and stopped micromanaging every minute of every day his behavior improved 100%. 

Misbehavior at school had meant that he went to his room after school.  They had been doing this for months and sadly told me it had no effect.  But then they told me they were inconsistent - letting him off the hook if he “forgot” or “lost” the note from the teacher.  And when he did bring home the note, Mom asked him the rest of the day why, why, why.

I encouraged them to restate the rule: if his daily note from his teacher is either negative or forgotten, he will go to his room after school.  They decided to ask no more questions about whatever the note said – just implemented the consequence.  And they did not ride him about EVERY single aspect of his existence.

Within 1 week, they reported a completely changed little boy.  Not one negative note for a whole week and an easy, happy child in most every aspect.

I certainly can’t guarantee such great results and I do think this little guy is going to regress and test his parents a bit, but I do know that the absolute FIRST step in commanding your child’s attention is to act like the leader of your family – with a few clear, concise words when giving directions.

CLEAR, CONCISE, STOP. 

Yes, it really can be that simple!!!

LPC - In the News!!

LPC was featured in the "In the Field" Column of the Refresh magazine of the Buffalo News today.

Also Scott Scanlon, editor of the Refresh magazine wrote a blog about my business today:

http://blogs.buffalonews.com/refresh/2014/06/wny-john-rosemond-coach-wonders-why-some-parents-overwhelm-their-kids-.html?ref=brp

Check both out and let me know your thoughts!!!!

To Spank or Not To Spank

The hidden elephant in the room, right?  When I am coaching, this is a subject that parents NEVER bring up.  Prevailing wisdom equates spankings with beatings and no one wants to admit they have ever spanked a child because they don’t want to be accused of child abuse.  Ok, fair enough.

But spankings can be a reasonable disciplinary choice; if and only if a spanking is defined as 2 – 4 swats with an open hand on the clothed back side. Anything more than that constitutes a beating and is outrageously unacceptable.

So then, do I believe in spankings as defined above?  Well I do and I don’t.  Of my 2 kids, I spanked the oldest once and the youngest never.

Spankings should not be the first choice of handling misbehavior.  And they really don’t work well on kids younger than 3 or older than 6 or 7.  There are so many more options to establish your parental leadership that I rarely see a need for spankings.  The best consequence is one that greatly limits a child’s freedom – like early bedtime, room confinement, losing a bike for a week, being told they can’t go to a friend’s party.  And these types of consequences, when applied sparingly and strategically, make a huge impression on kids.  Children generally begin to rethink their behavior choices in ways that make the need for major consequences decrease dramatically.

Parents who levy major consequences are hardly mean parents when they only need to do so occasionally. They use consequences to assert their leadership, help their kids listen to them better and become more obedient. By the way, obedient children are clearly happier and more secure children!

Of course, it stands to reason that good parental leadership is focused on issues that matter.  Parents who try to micromanage kids, impose lots and lots of rules, and say “no” or punish twenty times a day exhaust themselves in their parenting. They exhaust and confuse their kids too - to the point that children may not know what is expected of them (because the rules likely change all the time).

So when is spanking a good idea?  When you need a child’s attention right now – because of danger or an emergency circumstance – and you absolutely have to stop a behavior or instill how wrong their action was.  My daughter’s one spanking was at age 3 when she pulled away from me to chase a butterfly across the road.  Thank God, there was no car coming.  I chased her, grabbed her arm and delivered 4 swats with my hand on her bottom.  Additionally, our daycare Mom spanked her once, too.  That was the day she went into the forbidden 4 square mile cornfield – can you imagine the danger and difficulty of finding a child who might get themselves lost in a fully grown cornfield? She was spanked – again with open hand – and confined to the house for the rest of the day.

So I do believe that spankings have their place but only in limited situations for young kids.

Other misbehaviors deserve thoughtful parents who think through their parenting values and then implement them strategically! 

Upcoming Workshop - Parenting the Strong Willed Child

My next workshop - "Parenting a Strong Willed Child" - is May 12th is at the BeHealthy Institute in Hamburg - a great organization committed to helping you be the best you can be!  I would love to have you join us!

The Doctor Comes to the Rescue

A young family has a very big problem.  Their 5, 3 and 1 year old children are very noisy.

Now stop laughing!  The situation is that they live in an upstairs apartment and the downstairs neighbors are complaining loudly and often – to the point where these folks are facing eviction.  And moving at this time is not an option.

The issue is similar to families where Mom or Dad works nights and needs to sleep in the daytime.  Or a family who has a frail relative living with them who requires quiet.

My suggestion requires some firm parental leadership that is conveyed through significant consequences.
 

This approach is one of John Rosemond’s most famous ideas – “the doctor”.  It will apply to the 3 and 5 year old; the 1 year old is too young.  But when the older kids quiet down, the little one may follow along too.

First of all, try to schedule as much outdoor time as you reasonably can.  Try to give your kids time at the park or in the yard and encourage all the running, jumping and noisy playtime you can.  It is harder as we move into the cold months, but do the absolute best you can.

Now later today at a reasonably calm moment, sit the kids down and have a brief conversation that goes something like this.  “I had a talk with your doctor today about how noisy you are in the house.  He told me that when kids can’t play quietly in the house, it is because they aren’t getting enough sleep.  So from now on, he told me to tell you once each day that playtime in the house needs to be quiet.  If even once you get too noisy, I will know that means you need more sleep.  So you will go to bed directly after supper that night.  I am sorry I didn’t know this before and am glad the doctor gave us some help!”

Be light hearted, be upbeat, be clear and be concise.  No long explanations about the neighbor’s complaints, the terrible worry that would come with eviction, the outrageous behavior of children who don’t obey – this is too much information and is unlikely to motivate your kids.

Change is only going to happen when their standard of living is seriously affected – and early bedtime is a horrible consequence from your kids’ viewpoint!

Now be absolutely consistent about following the doctor’s instructions.  Tell them about quiet play once each day.  Then no reminders, threats or second chances.  If play becomes noisy, just announce that bedtime is right after supper tonight.

A few days of implementing early bedtime should get their attention and help them get the rest they need to play quietly in the house.  Expect some improvement, some worsening, some improvement and then another test or two to see if the rule is still in place.  But stay the course and hang in there.

This approach works because it is objective, calm and authoritative.  It can help a child get over a hump in his life and for this family, a very significant “hump” for all of them.

Frustration in 3 Year Olds!

As in every second of every day, right?  It is simply the nature of a 3 year old. Until now he has been at the absolute center of everyone’s attention – a place he LIKES and believes he is entitled to.  Suddenly he is being gently moved out of that super special circle.  Whether he is off to preschool or day care or there is a new baby in the house or his family is beginning to teach him some rules, life has become confusing. He also knows more about what he wants.  When he wants something, he wants it RIGHT NOW. 

There are plenty of reasons for a 3 year old to be frustrated.  And furthermore, he was not born with any tools for dealing with frustration so his response is often to hit or scream or bite or throw a tantrum.

What is a parent to do???  Well the first thing he should NOT do is try to talk and reason.  A 3 year old is not a little adult, he is a child.  He does not have the understanding or experience or patience to listen to mom and dad’s lessons about being kind, treating others fairly, taking his turn or waiting patiently.  So please, please save your breath.

When your little one acts out; he hits his little brother, he screams at the grocery store, or he fights you about putting his shoes on, understand that his frustration is natural and it is necessary that he experience it.  You cannot always make things better for him and he NEEDS to learn to handle frustration – from this point on there is going to be some frustration in his life, just like for the rest of us!

So frustration is a good and natural thing.

Yup, it is good and natural.

So back to what to do?

 1 – stop talking!!!!!  It is not going to do any good so STOP!

 2 – When he does something like hit, bite, push, grab other’s toys, pick him up immediately, say “NO – we don’t’ hit” and put him in time out.  Time out doesn’t always work but if it does, it is a good first step.

 3 – if time out doesn’t work for your little one you will still need to stop the behavior by removing him.  Later, when he is calm and the incident is over you should levy a big consequence.  Perhaps he won’t get dessert tonight, or a bedtime story or a favorite tv show.  You will calmly say “because you hit your brother this morning, you are not having dessert tonight”.  “Because you refused to put your coat and shoes on this morning, you are going to bed early tonight”.

 4 – be consistent, stay calm and don’t try to solve whatever the problem seems to be.  Mainly because hitting, biting, screaming is wrong – no matter what the reason was.   Accept that these lessons are going to take some time so just keep on doing what you are supposed to do!

When you consistently deal with his acts of frustration, he will begin to learn 2 essential things. First,  better behavior!  But most importantly the more he learns to solve his problems and deal with his frustration  – the happier he will be!